Never Not In Love

p r o lo g u e

Alam niyo iyong pakiramdam ng masorpresa pero not the good kind? Tangina, para akong nakisali sa Ice Bucket Challenge. I stared at my boyfriend who is sitting right in front of me. Teka, boyfriend ko pa naman siya, diba? I haven't agreed.

"Pakiulit nga iyong sinabi mo," I said, my voice breaking at the last syllable. He looked at me with some kind of emotion in his eyes. Lungkot ba iyon? Pagkalito? Pag-dadalawang-isip? Hindi ko mapoint out kung ano iyon kasi pati sarili kong nararamdaman hindi ko maintindihan.

"Itigil muna natin to, Rie." His voice was quiet. Like he was ashamed to speak it out loud.

"Why?" I asked. Wala naman kaming problema. Nabibigyan namin ng oras ang isa't isa kahit gaano ka busy.   Pinag-uusapan namin kaagad kapag may hindi pagkakaintindihan. Mahal naman namin ang isa't isa. Ah. Baka iyon ang problema. "Hindi mo na ba ako mahal, Neil?"

Nag-iwas lamang siya ng tingin. His food remained untouched.

"Sagutin mo naman ako oh." I reached for his hand on the table. I held on his thumb, like how I always did since 2 years ago. Bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin. I could see a slight frown on his face.

"Rie, I. . ." He didn't continue further.

"May bago na ba, Neil? Hindi na ba ako?" He wrapped his hand around mine, squeezing it.

"No, Rie. I . . . I just need to figure out my feelings." Napanganga ako sa sagot niya. So, hindi niya na nga ako mahal. That's when the first tear fell.

"Tangina naman, Neil. Ang tagal na natin!" More than two years. I spent more than two years of my life loving him, thinking he's the one. Tapos eto.

"Iyon na nga eh, ang tagal na natin."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" tanong ko, my voice wavering. Ano yon? He doesn't want me anymore cause we've been together for too long?

"Nagsawa ka na? Nakakasawa ba ako?" He fell silent. I removed my hand from his grasp, wiping my tears using my sleeve.

I thought this would just be one of the many dinner dates we've had. We'd eat, tapos magchi-chikahan muna bago aalis sa restaurant, and then we would go on a late night drive. Tapos ihahatid niya ako pauwi.

Mukhang kailangan kong mag-book ng Grab ah.

"Gusto mo ng space, bibigyan kita. Hindi naman natin kailangan maghiwalay," I said. Ayokong makipaghiwalay. Kakayanin namin 'to. Kakayanin ko 'to.

"I'd still feel pressured kung ganoon ang gagawin natin, Rie."

"Anong pressure ba sinasabi mo?!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at tumaas na ng bahagya ang boses ko. Napatingin na sa direksyon naming ang ilan sa mga customers na malapit sa table namin.

"Look, Rie. I'll come back. I promise. Just give me this please," he pleaded. My tears are still falling like an overflowing dam. How could he ask that from me? Kung iiwan niya ako, he should cut all ties. Hindi 'yong ganito na mag-iiwan siya ng mga what ifs sa utak ko.

"Nangako ka din sa akin noon na hindi mo ko iiwan." He promised me that he would never hurt me. he said he'll ask for my hand once I get my ATP license. Ang daming pangako... Hanggang pangako nalang.

"Rie . . ." I didn't wait for him to say more. Tumayo na ako sa kinauupuan ko saka umalis. I thought hahabulin niya ako. God, I prayed to Him na sana sundan ako ni Neil. Na sana he'd beg me not to leave. Pero oo nga pala, he wanted to go.