The Death Of Me {Jamilton}

Can't You See I'm Trying

{Alexander's POV}

I was trying to take what John had said into consideration, it seemed quite simple when you put it on paper, just go to Thomas and talk to him about it. Was it really that easy to do though? I had basically given his long, likely hard to write, apology the cold shoulder. I think I really screwed this, and what if I try to talk to him about it, and then he gets all pissed at me saying that I was an asshole for doing that and that we were too different. God dating was just way too difficult to understand.

I had separated from John after arriving at school and hurried towards my locker. My phone started buzzing just after I'd unlocked my locker, so I grabbed it out of my pocket and clicked to answer before setting it to be held between my shoulder and ear, "Yeah?" I spoke, sorting through my textbooks and notebooks.

"Alex! Hey!" I heard Matt on the other line, he seemed relatively happy, I think.

"Oh Matt, hey, did I forget something?" The question immediately came to mind seeing as he never called me when I was at school, maybe after, but not during, even in the morning.

There was a little bit of scuffling before his next answer, "No... No, you didn't forget anything. I just wanted to say I love you dude, I'm really proud of you..."

I knitted my brows together in a tad bit of concern, "What's this about?"

"Nothing... Nothing... Just never got to say that to you..."

Biting at my bottom lip I nodded, even if I was perfectly aware he wasn't able to see that, "... Okay... I'll see you after school then?"

"Actually... I'll be out for a little, probably... If you don't see me in the living room I'm probably out, okay? I'll leave cash on the kitchen counter for you though, you can order some food for yourself."

"Oh, alright." I nodded, "Okay, well I'll see you when you get back then."

"Yeah, bye Alex."

I shoved some things into my backpack then hung up, shutting my locker door as I pocketed my phone. I grabbed my backpack then headed down the hall, fiddling a little with the golden bracelet on my wrist, my gaze flicking around so I could try and avoid Thomas, if I did talk to him, I didn't want it to be today, I feel like that would make me seem like some toxic weirdo who gets pissed and then comes crawling back, groveling at people's feet saying I'm sorry. Shit, I wouldn't do that anyway, but I definitely didn't want to appear that way to Thomas, especially not while I was questioning what our relationship even was at the moment.

If I did talk to him today it wasn't going to be the first chance I get, I mean, who am I? A drooling lovesick fool? Not likely! I'm not lovesick at all, thank you very much, I'm just... Confused about appreciating the company of someone I used to hate, and also thinking about how I should've kissed him back... Okay, maybe a tiny bit lovesick! But nothing more than that!

I turned my gaze down, and walked into debate class, only to spot Thomas sat at the desk beside my regular spot. Shit, shit, shit. Do I take my regular seat? If I do, do I say anything? Turn the cold shoulder?

{Thomas's POV}

I walked into the school, phone in hand, I was texting Jemmy as much as I could, normally I didn't get too anxious, but right now anxiety was really kicking up, probably because I FUCKING KISSED MY CRUSH AND RUINED EVERYTHING! I focused down on my screen, trying to somewhat distract myself.

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:47 AM
What if he's just scared of commitment? I've never even seen him hang around a single person for even a week, I don't know if even has friends

Me | 7:48 AM
I don't know, but Jemmy I am freaking the fuck out. My first class is with Alex! What do I do?!?

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:50 AM
You want to talk to him right? Apologize face-to-face?

Me | 7:50 AM
Wow, what gave you that idea, Sherlock Holmes?

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:50 AM
Shut Up
Jimmy Jemmy | 7:51 AM
My point is, sit next to him, try to be partnered by Mr. Washington, do Something to make him talk to you

Me | 7:51 AM
Okay...
Me | 7:51 AM
But what if he gets mad at me for forcing him into a conversation?

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:52 AM
You become so helpless when you have a crush, my god

Me | 7:52 AM
Jemmy! I can't help it!

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:53 AM
And I can't help it that I get sick often

Me | 7:54 AM
Politely: fuck you... But point made.

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:54 AM
You would be hopeless without me, Tommy

Me | 7:55 AM
So you might be right, but still, you're bitch for saying it.

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:55 AM
But you still love me :P

Me | 7:56 AM
I do. I do. Oh shit, I gotta get to class.
Me | 7:56 AM
Do you really think I should sit next to him? Or at least try to?

Jimmy Jemmy | 7:57 AM
Sit. Next. To. Him. If you don't it'll make it seem like you're giving up

Me | 7:57 AM
Okay, okay, I'll text you after class.

I pushed open the door, sending a quick wave in the direction of Mr. Washington who was sat at his desk, as per usual. My gaze grazed the classroom before finding the desk Alexander usually sat at, and I took a clearing breath before walking over and taking a seat right beside it, I had to take this chance, of course, he could swap to another seat, but I was certainly hoping he didn't. I wanted to apologize face to face.

It didn't take long till I saw Alex walk into class, about five minutes before the bell would ring, and I saw the look on his face when he noticed where I was sat... I don't know how to define what emotion he appeared to be feeling, but I doubt it was a good one.

Even still, I was hoping he'd walk over and take a seat, however, those hopes were soon flushed away, a frown taking place on my face as he walked off to take a seat in a back corner, I was hating myself for kissing him, I probably ruined everything. Just because he told me he was bisexual and we were getting closer didn't mean he'd be willing to date me, and I should've known that, but now I was out of a relationship and a friendship, all because I just couldn't stop myself from snagging a quick peck against Alex's lips. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, why don't you? It'd feel better than this.

{A/N: Hey, hey, hey, sorry for taking so long to post this chapter! I will still be trying to get at least one or two chapters out a week, but my mental health has been shakey and school is starting for me this Thursday. We'll see how it goes! Also! We're approaching 200 reads in total on this book, that's more than I ever thought I'd get, if you guys want me to do anything for this, just comment :) have a lovely day guys!}