Me, My Cigarette, and The World

22- Silence in the Air and Sick in the Toilet

Damon

It's been five days since we got back and Graham and I have gotten nowhere. He has only left his room to go to the bathroom or make tea, but other than that, there's just been an eerie silence surging through the apartment. It's gotten to the point where I need someone to confide in.

Alex welcomes me into his apartment with a warm smile. It's cleaner than last time. I guess we all did some changing while Graham and I were away. An expensive looking brie sits on the coffee table atop a delicately painted plate. Two wine glasses are placed methodically next to the cheese and one sits empty in the hopes that Graham would maybe show up. I didn't have the heart to tell Alex that his neighbour is a complete wreck just yet.

"What's on your mind my friend? Trouble in paradise?" Alex asks jokingly thinking that things have gone back to whatever Graham and I consider normal. I just shrug and stare off distantly as his face immediately falls. I don't miss the slight 'oh no' that leaves Alex's lips at the sight of me. "The trip was that bad huh?"

All it took was one mention about the trip said aloud and I am sobbing. I'm not one to get overwhelmed and not be able to control my emotions (That's Graham's expertise) but I've been keeping this awful feeling in far too long for it to even be remotely healthy. Alex stares in disbelief as I continue to cry. This is the most quiet he's ever been.

"It was awful! Dreadfully, terribly, disgustingly awful! His father was so cruel and then Graham was so cruel. I didn't know what to do Alex! Fuck!" I blubber as I cradle my warm face in my hands. Alex comfortingly rubs circles into my back. "Nothing is the same anymore and now I'm leaving and he's going to hate me!" The circles stop.

"You're... you're what?" He pulls his hand away as if I've burnt him. There's an impatient edge to his voice that can't be matched as I sniffle and wipe away at my eyes with the cuffs of my hoodie.

"My band was playing at a bar we went to and Graham and I had just gotten into this nasty argument. I just- I just wanted to leave him. Leave everything." I explain. The shear confusion grows into a distant form of relative anger as I dig myself deeper and deeper. "They asked if I could come back. Go on tour in January. I said I would." I finish.

I look up from the floor and Alex is just staring blankly at my red tear stained face. I pit grows in the deepest depths of my stomach the longer he stares. "Oh my fucking god you did not do that." It starts as a mutter but he repeats himself. "You did not fucking do that!" It's a yell now. "Argument or not, you both need each other! How could you just throw away what might be the most important relationship in your life for a fucking... a fucking dead end band! You're not thinking straight Damon! What the fuck is this!"

"I don't know!" I yell back. There's too much emotion from the both of us for me to handle. "I wasn't thinking! I just wanted out! He made me feel like I ruined his fucking life, Alex. The longer I'm here the more I think he's right too. His father fucking disowned him and his brother caught us in the bathroom at that godforsaken bar. Everything was so fucked up I needed something to think about that wasn't my stupid boyfriend or his stupid family!"

"The fact that all that happened should give you more of a reason to stay! You can't do this to him. This is downright insensitive of you! How could you even think about leaving him like this!" He's fuming. I always thought I was closer to Alex than Graham was but I guess he always knew him longer. It's almost like Alex took on the role of the big brother Graham wished he had. He worries about him, checks in, bakes for him... Even though Graham pushes him away, Alex has always been there for him to fall back on. Graham should really be more grateful than he is.

"I know I shouldn't have taken the deal now. I guess I just thought some time on the road would be good for us y'know. Like some sort of break. I feel really fucking stupid about it now though." I almost laugh at the shear confusion of my past actions. Alex's face softens.