2023, 6 months since landing in Korea
"I want to say, 'You look like a changed woman', but you look like shit."
Lisa snorted over the whiskey she's drinking. It doesn't help that they're in a private, members-only, old men's bar, giggling like kids while being the youngest women in the room who also wore short, professionally tailored dresses and stilettos.
Gangnam and Itaewon bars didn't quite cut it for Jisoo. In Seoul, she only drank at the private bars just like this one that's situated at the top of one of the richest and tallest buildings in Gangnam, just in case anything happened. She couldn't afford any gossip nor media news to leak out, and she's already in hot water with her parents. Well, tentatively speaking it's 'lukewarm,' as the issue has died down more than a year ago, but Jisoo's still playing the role of the dutiful daughter, hence the hush-hush on things.
Lisa didn't mind. She liked the old leather chairs and the dim lights and how everyone in this rooftop bar seemed to value privacy. It smelled of old money and tobacco and maybe her grandfather, but it was cosy. And if Jisoo chose to be here and brought a chauffeur with her, it means she's willing to get drunk with Lisa anyway.
Not that she was really planning to. But most of her meetings with Jisoo usually meant having a lot of heart to hearts she's not ready for.
"So the update is: you're still shit, your personality has gotten worse, and you're still the same Lisa I keep telling you to change. You just changed geographies and that's it."
"Yeah, exactly."
Jisoo eyed her a little. "Except Jen is here."
Lisa nodded acquiescently.
"Except Jennie is here." Her voice was almost inaudible.
Jisoo quietly sipped on her Negroni. They stayed that way for a few moments.
When Jisoo didn't speak, it was Lisa who finally gave way.
"I'm tired, Jisoo."
The Korean looked at her with sad eyes.
"I know, Lis."
"I just wish it would stop hurting. I just wish she doesn't remind me of feeling inadequate. I just—"
"Then why don't you stop it?"
Lisa's jaws strained before she answered. "I did, remember? I tried forgetting her."
Jisoo disappointedly licked her lips as she thoughtfully tried to structure her words. Lisa just returned to her whiskey. They're at the far end of the bar – they didn't mind the bartender occasionally popping by, they're not exactly talking business. And they liked not having to shout sitting beside each other on the leather stools. And, well, the view was fantastic. The river that snakes across Seoul was gleaming in the moonlight and gave a great ambiance to their contrastingly unstable night.
The Korean looked at her, then sighed.
"It's hard to keep an eye on you when I know what's happening with Jen, too. And I really want to love her more than you, but you—you're just a special case of stupid sometimes."
Lisa snorted. She's sure that was meant to be a sharp jab, but she's with Jisoo – any teasing was welcome. She stared at her whiskey as she waited for her friend to continue.
"When I meant stop the pain, I meant open yourself up to love again."
Lisa drank the remains of her whiskey, before motioning to the bartender. He promptly picked a top-shelf whiskey and gave her two shots, along with fresh ice.
She swirled the whiskey on her hand, letting the ice hit the glass to distract them.
"I just wish it's so easy to wake up and think it won't hurt again," Lisa murmured loud enough for Jisoo to hear. "I just wish I never get nagging feelings about how I'm not good enough. I wish I never wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how she will leave me again once I let her in. Wishing I was enough for her."
"To be fair, and at the risk of sounding like I'm invalidating your feelings here, I've only seen Jen crumble for two people: her mother and you." Jisoo savoured her Negroni. "Not once did she ever falter in front of an audience. Or a failing grade. Or anyone else. Just you. And her mother, when the cancer scare happened. But even before then she was hardly bendable when her mum asked her to go back to Korea after graduation."
"Well, it turns out she wasn't just bendable, she breaks and leaves." Lisa's head hung low, slowly shaking off a bitter memory. "I wasn't even asking her to choose, Jisoo. I just wanted to be there with her but she chose to break it off and linger."
"You were both young. You were both in a huge city and only had each other, and she felt helpless on the other side of the world. She's also only faced a lot of new things with you. Jen's allowed to panic."
"But does she have to always leave and not stand by me when she panics?"
"You have to forgive her irrational decisions at some point. She thought she was losing her mother."
"And I did forgive her. Why do you think I allowed us to continue talking in the context of 'being friends'? She's the one who's insisting on more."
"And are you sure you really can't give her more?"
"I'm drained of anything to be able to give more, Jisoo. "
The ice on Lisa's glass clinked a little as it started to dissolve. The bartender went back in front of them and started to wipe a few glasses. They both watched him, slightly mesmerised by the mundane.
"You know she loved you with her whole heart, though." Jisoo's eyes never left the cloth wiping the glasses.
Lisa scoffed on her whiskey.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
Jisoo shrugged. "Would it make you feel better if I know for a fact she loved only you?"
Lisa snorted again. "Fat good it did me when she decided to hurt me anyway."
"You talk like you've never hurt the people you love in your life."
"Touché." Lisa grimaced.
She raised her glass a little to the air. The two sat beside each other quietly, drinking their alcohol.
"I know you know Jen's trying to win me back."
Jisoo shrugged, a small playful grin on her face. "You never did tell me about how much that little black dress affected you."
Lisa rolled her eyes. "That night was a nightmare."
"You got laid."
"I hurt her."
"Ah, yeah. That you did," Jisoo agreed. "It was hard being on the other end of that phone call when she called me that night."
Lisa winced. Hurting people, despite the exterior she has taken on the past years, never really quite settle well with her. Especially hurting Jen.
