You're Not in this Alone *The final book in the We'll Carry on Series*

Not even cancer could stop it.

Things have been melancholy as of lately. Gerard and I have been back together for about a month and a half now, and it has been wonderful in every sense of the word.

 He’s been so supportive, he’s gone with me to every single appointment- and there have been a lot this last month- and he’s been perfect with Bandit. She really missed having her father around all the time. She has most definitely been soaking up all of the attention we’ve been giving her. She gets smarter and harder to leave every day.

As for me; well, I’m dying. I get progressively worse as the days pass, but the overall fear of dying has dissipated over time. I guess when you’re told you’re dying, it comes in stages; at least it did for me.

Stage one; Shock. When you are told you’re going to die or only have so long left of your life, shock rises in your throat and makes it hard to breathe. The first thing to cross your jumbled up, mess of a mind is “Not me, that’s impossible. How could I be dying?”

Stage two; Realization. After the initial shock wears down, the tear swell up in your eyes; like the current onto a beach and floods your vision. The words begin to process and come together and it hits you like a ton of fucking bricks- at least you wish it had been bricks instead. You are going to die and there is nothing you can do about it.

Stage three; Regret. After you realize you’re dying, you begin to fill to the brim with regret of all kinds. Regrets that you didn’t eat that second slice of cake, regret that you never got to go skydiving like you swore you would, regret that you’re leaving everyone you love without ever really having a proper goodbye or way to explain it other than “hey, life gave me a shit hand and now this is my reality”

Stage four; Emotions. You understand now what’s going to happen, but yet your emotions are on a crazy roller coaster ride that won’t seem to stop. You want to get off or hurl, but you won’t. Not until it’s all over. One second you can be fine and the next, you’re on the ground screaming “Why me?”

Stage five; this is the final stage- Acceptance. This stage is pretty self-explanatory. Eventually, usually right before you die, you come to accept and to terms about what’s happening. You’ve decided to live the best you can and spend it your time with loved ones until it happens. You accept that this is what life gave you and there is no avoiding it, so you make the most of. That is the stage I am currently trying to come to.

So those are the mental stages of cancer. I’m at stage four with stage five cancer. It’s mainly the end part of four, but it’s still difficult. Bandit has even noticed my sudden changes in my attitudes and moods. I try to spend as much time with her and my family as possible before I start screaming at the sky to a god that never replies. This is my life.

“Gerard, things are finally coming together. Why do I have to die?” I asked my husband as I began crying over the frying pan that was burning Bandit’s grilled cheese. I could hardly keep it together these days.

“I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. We just have to stay positive, okay? We’re going to get another miraculous miracle and you’re going to be fine.” He wrapped his arms lovingly around me, turning my torso to face him after turning off the burner. He held me in silence for a while as my tears spilled onto his black Iron Maiden shirt. Damn, that was a good shirt.