I possibly need therapy

III-breath

If i where to stop breathing would it matter. If i said i wanted to die would anyone truly believe me. Is it selfish to just want to scream sometimes and want to be seen or at least heard, even though i wouldnt know what to say. How can one ask for help when they dont even know what they should be asking help for. What is it that causes such pain to ache and freeze leaving behind such a suffocating emptiness within. Makes me want to push away from everything yet at the same time yearn for closeness. What right do i have anyways to think such thoughts to begin with. Yet they haunt with all the other phantoms i seem to carry with me. Reminders of just how useless i am. How messed up i am. How pitiful i am. How ugly, how unneed i am. For every thing good i might have done it seems to come back in ten folds of a mess i seem to be surrounded and chained to. It freezes and suffocates me, to where i feel numb. I cant stand that numb feeling, so many times i have been close to breaking my own ankle or writst just to stop that nothingness, just to feel something besides that empty buzzing. So why. Why for fucks sake do i even try. You know why? Its becuase if i die, it will just be a bother, for one the cost of it all why cant i just disapear and not leave such a financial burden behind, why any of us got to do that is beyond me. Probaly becuas of how much this world is centered around capitalism. Disgusting