The Hotel Room (Phan)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Phil’s POV

Things have always been different for me and Dan. I could never quite say we were friends, by the normal definition of the word. We were far too flirtatious, far too lost in our own world to be considered normal best mates.

But I was sure he was oblivious to all that. Oblivious to how I had to weigh each one of my words so as not to let on what I felt for him. Oblivious to the compliments and the jokes with more than one meaning and the looks I’d give him that had my Mum asking if we were together yet every time I visited her.

I’m not sure when I realized, when I truly realised, that I had feelings for Dan. Part of me thinks it was always there, ever since we met, but maybe it was when we started living together. Maybe it was when I learnt all those little things about him, that make him...him. When I learnt that he never makes his bed, that he hates being woken up in the mornings, that he’ll do anything to make me laugh when I’m tired, that he makes everything ten times more dramatic than it has to be.

I think that was when I realised.

But I realised I was in love with him four days ago. When he defended me, defended us, when he didn’t give a shit what anyone thought and tried to make me happy.

But I still couldn’t tell him.

That’s the thing with a friendship- you get too far in, too invested. You don’t want to ruin the friendship, create more tension, have them leave you- all because of something you can’t exactly control.

I’d known I was gay since before I met Dan. At first it had been hard, trying to come to terms with the fact that I’d have to deal with people like that woman at Disneyland forever, that I’d never be able to hold my loved one’s hands in public without judgemental glares. I started going to church after that, which seems a bit backwards, but I wanted to raise awareness that people like me were just as much a part of the religious community as the pretentious assholes who wanted to follow everywhere and accused me of sin because of how I felt, and told me they’d ‘pray for me’ when really they’d just be judging me.

All because I’m not attracted to the opposite gender.

I believe in a God who loves, not a God who judges. Not like the Minister judges me.

But when I met Dan everything changed. I’d been trying to come to terms with who I was, but it still hurt. And then Dan came along, and he was different, and funny, and his view on the world was so different from mine. He swore more than anyone I’d ever met and made me laugh at every little joke he told. He made me forget that it was ‘wrong’, and that was when I realised that it wasn’t wrong. It’s just who I am.

But I still hid my feelings for Dan. I don’t really know why. I hadn’t even told him that I’m gay, despite the fact that we supposedly told each other everything.

I just couldn’t tell him, because then maybe I’d lose him forever. And that was the worst thing I could possibly imagine.