happiness

06. baseball bat

MAYA: Italics
JEREMY: Bold
SOMEONE ELSE: Bold Italics

"Hello."

"There's someone in my house and I've got no idea what I need to do. Please help me, call the police or something."

"Hey, an unknown guy that calls me for the most random things ever and tries to have nice conversations."

"Do you think they're nice?"

"No, I'm only saying you're trying to have a nice conversation with me. I never said I enjoy them. Because guess what, I don't."

"Oh. But anyway... There's a person in my house and I'm certain they don't belong here! Please help me."

"In what world do you think I can help you? I'm at work, come on Jeremy."

"Please help me. I don't know how to. Call the police or something. Please?"

"Stop shouting asshole."

"I'm not."

"You are. The person in your house can clearly hear you."

"I don't think they will. I have a rather big house. The person is at the front of the house and I'm in my bedroom. My bedroom is located on the other side of the house so it would be impossible for them to hear me. But you know, I was in the kitchen when they came in. I heard loads of noises and ran upstairs to my bedroom because I'm scared."

"Sounds like a problem."

"Sure is."

"How old are you by the way? I sure hope you're not scared for random people if you're a guy living in a mansion."

"I'm twenty-one."

"Boo-hoo, it's so scary! Man up and go downstairs to confront them. I'm sure it ain't that big of a deal."

"I'm scared."

"You're also acting like a little kid."

"Please help me."

"I bet it's just your little brother or something. I mean, if you've got any siblings."

"Actually, I do. I've got three younger brothers and one younger sister."

"Probably one of them."

"Come on, please help me out. I don't know what to do. Do I take something with me? Like a chair or maybe a baseball bat?"

"Sure why not. Just go downstairs, see who it is, and sneak up to them and scare them. Once you've done that you'll see who it is and you'll hit them if it's someone unwanted."

"Are you sure?"

"As sure as you can ever be."

"I don't want it to go wrong."

"It won't go wrong. And if you'll die it won't be a problem either. Means I'm finally able to work normally."

"So that's why you're telling me to go downstairs?"

"No. I'm telling you to man up and go downstairs because you're a twenty-one-year old that's scared to go downstairs in their own house because someone's there. And that with the fact that you're literally living with like six other people."

"Can I still hold you on the phone?"

"Whatever, but hurry up. I'm done with my shift."

"Alright, I'm walking downstairs."

"Sure"

"Can I ask you how old you are?"

"I'm twenty."

"And you're working at Domino's?"

"Yeah, sure am."

"What's your name? You know mine but I still don't know yours."

"I don't know if I should tell you. You might be a seventy-year-old man."

"I'm not. I sound young and you know it."

"True, you sound like sixteen-year-old Justin Bieber."

"That's rude."

"It's Maya."

"Oh hi, Maya, nice to meet you. I'm Jeremy. It's pleasant to meet you- OH MY GOD."

"Did someone murder you?"

"No my dog barked really loud and it scared me."

"Are you there yet?"

"Yeah I'm going into the kitchen right now."

"I don't understand what you're saying but sure lad."

"I'm- OH GOD. Oh hey, Daniel. Didn't know you were here."

"Why are you holding a baseball bat?"

"I got scared that someone else was in the house."

"You're such a pussy."

"I'm not. Do you want to order pizza by the way?"

"Oh yeah, I'm leaving. Bye Jeremy."

"No, wait! I want to order a pizza."

"I didn't know you could order on the phone."

"Oh yeah, I didn't know either. Long story, I'll tell you later today. What do you want?"

"Hurry up, I want to go home."

"I'd like two vegan pizzas."

"Sure, see you in twenty."

"See ya!"

"Were you talking to a girl?"

"No, to Domino's pizza."

"She sounded hot."

"Piss off."

"....."

"Oh, I'm still on the phone."

"Bye."