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CHAPTER ONE

        Piss. I smell piss. Sunshine floods my eyes as I look through my frizzy light brown hair and I see my thin white window drapes letting sun in. Not to be alarmed at 28 I have confidence that I didn't wet the bed. I turn over to see my little angel asleep beside me with a circle around his legs. Must of had a nightmare. Poor thing.

        As I sit up I stretch and wrap my red silk robe around me and head to the kitchen to start coffee. Once a pot is brewed I lean back on the counter with the warm cup and smell it. The beans wafting up and my lungs warmed and I'm able to breath again. I hear the shower up stairs start. Setting the cup down I go wash the sheets before starting breakfast for Arthur.

        I grab the ingredients I need and find myself lost in the making. Smiling to myself pouring the batter I see my hand on the red spatula and almost drop everything. I suddenly feel warm and sweaty. My hand goes numb and I set the bowl down.

        I stare at the red spatula and the unusual way it seems to scream "here I am" unlike any other I've seen before. My breath slows and I quickly wash it off them place it back in the drawer.

        I know it's stupid not to use the red one. But it's strange to touch something that used to be so owned by a dead man. My eyes blink and stare at the batter. Feeling comes back and I finish forcing happiness into my soul. Pitter patter sounds on the stairs before a wet blonde haired boy apears in jeans and a wet blue t shirt.

        "Hey mama." Arthur chimes before sitting at the table.

        "Hello baby boy," I hand his food to him, "sleep well?"

        "Yes mama."

        I want to ask him about it, but it's probably best not. Just something that would bother him more. He seems to be past it...so why aren't I? Doesn't matter I suppose. Looking at the clock I see it's eight fourteen. I quick get changed then gather Arthur and head over to my sister Debs.

        Shes standing outside like I thought she would be. Arthur hops out and runs over hugging her before waving bye to me. I wave, but can't back out. Of course Deb has to come over smiling. I roll the window down and she leans in.

        "Hey sis," she smiles softly, "hows it going?"

        I nod a little before answering. "It's going good, but I'm running behind."

        I can see she doesnt believe me, it is only eight thirty seven, but she smiles and steps back with an I love you. I return the feeling before heading off. I can already tell this is gonna be an interesting day.

     Pulling in to the parking lot I wonder why I still come. Theres no point. All I'm gonna here about is how everyoneis sad. Life goes on...so whyam I stuck. Ya know what? No. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. Yet I still find myself walking into the church and over to the circle of seats.

        Once seated I can tell some people are new. One in particular. She seems to be young. Eighteen maybe. Almost white blonde hair with black rimmed blue eyes. Shes so pretty, but the makeup is smearing from the tears.

        Greg walks in and smiles and we do introductions. Everyone says who they lost. A son, daughter, mother, boyfriend, sister. Now my turn. Husband. Zoning out as everyone tells there stories we stop when the doors open and a guy walks in.

        He look so out of place. Spikey dirty blonde hair, ripped dirty jeans, sandles, a ripped shirt on the side. Walking over he goes to sit, but then stands. He looks nervous,but forces a smile.

        "Hi everyone, sorry for interupting. I'm Jack." he looks around before sitting.

        Greg smiles, "Welcome Jack. Um we were just sharing stories. Nancy you may finish."

        By the time shes done the group is over. I quickly get my things before heading out to my car.