𝕀𝕕𝕗𝕔 (𝕁𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪)

august

((TW!! mentions of death, drugs, s3x))

dally.

it's been 2 weeks. i absolutely despise working. i hate it, i hate buck, i hate his club, i hate the gangs that come here, and i hate the girls that spill their drinks. 
the only reason i havent gotten fired was cause i had blackmail against buck. so i tend to act out a bit, meaning i throw vodka or whatever i can at people. 
But i kept working no matter how much i wanted to quit. I didnt care how bad the place smelled, how much i hated buck, or how loud the girls voice were, i had to do this for johnny. cause i made him run away from here, i drive him away from his house cause i didn't know how to stay loyal.

the first time i did it, i was drunk, it was a drunken mistake. no need to keep going. The second time was cause i hadnt seen johnny in two days and he replied to all my messages with a "busy, talk later", the third time i was mad at johnny for a stupid reason. after that i decided why stop? why not keep going?
i regretted it every time and said that'd be the last time but i always went back. i was stupid.

now cause of that, johnny isnt here. because i called him unlovable when it was really me. i didnt mean to call him that, i was just caught up and yelled whatever i could. 
I drove by his house every day and nearly knocked everyday. but i couldnt. what was i gonna say? "sorry i called you unlovable and cheated on you now can we go back to bucks cause i really want to kiss you?" no.
i knocked once, but his dad answered and said he had left before slamming the door in my face.

so i went to the last person i ever wanted to go to, my dad. he was never really my first choice in anything, maybe not even my last. but i knew he'd know. he had done things like these with mom before she died. i then remembered why mom died after all my dad said included drug, sex, and money. my mom died of a auto crash. she crashed into a lake and drowned. dad said it was an accident. i know it was on purpose. 
i guess i kinda knew why now. why i did all i did. maybe it was cause that's what i grew up with, maybe cause i was just a bad person. i dunno. but then again, johnny never had a good role model and he's still the nicest person ever. 

it was the only reasonable explanation i could give johnny. but i never told johnny any of this. no one really knows any of this. all i'd get was pity. i dont want stupid pity, i want my dad's brain to work and a mom that's alive. 

but i didnt want to lie to johnny either. he didnt deserve anything that i put him through. maybe i should just let him go.