touch

Part 5

With modern age comes modern dating. There are countless and countless amounts of apps that are made available to the public. People joining for all sorts of reasons.

9 months in, there I am myself swiping. Left, right, left, left, right. So on and so forth and then I happen upon your profile. "Ah, he looks like a nice person.", I think to myself and then I see we matched. You can imagine what happens next. Messages are sent to and from and one thing leads another and we plan to meet.

I was nervous, why wouldn't I be? It's dark on campus, I'm alone and I've only told one friend who had to leave a bit early. Out from the corner you pop around. "Oh good, he's real!" The night goes on with sweet awkwardness and a sushi restaurant down the street since neither of us had a vehicle at the time. I believe we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves that night. However, one thing was said that I knew would come back around to cause heartache but I chose to ignore it.

1 date, 2 dates, 3 dates more. A nice dinner and movie and like that we became official. I told you of our city traditions and you tagged along yet somehow you managed to show me more of my own city then I ever sought out myself. Days turned into weeks then months and then a year.

We can mutually agree that the first year was rough. I wasn't mentally stable considering my past relationships took a toll on me. I shed many tears and had many episodes. You tried to help, you really did but it's a hard thing to understand. We moved forward and I continued to work on myself and things gradually got better, at least for me. There were few disagreements but none that ever escalated more than they should have. We have more happy moments that others and we talked of marriage, kids, moving to different cities or states. Even plans to travel outside the country.

Everything was dandy. Another year passes.

" COVID-19 cases are rising."
"The US will be sent into lock down."
"Riots are taking place all throughout the nation." "I'm sorry, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry we have to furlough the majority of our employees."
"Death tolls continue to rise."
"Your masters program has been postponed."

It'll be okay, we'll get through it. And we did, or  at least I thought we did. Our relationship flourished. For many months our time spent together, greatly increased. I practically lived with you. We laughed and played games. Watched movies and cooked. We took long walks in the park and then for some time we did live together. It was great, so I thought. Then I finished school, got a job, and a car, and you found work again.

But then another job opportunity came. A city a few hours away.

Okay, let's start looking for teaching jobs there. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. There was excitement and worry and a bit of anxiety but what do you expect when you move to a new city?

1 day, 2 days. My family is excited for us. "Wow! I'll be sure to go visit! Let me know!"

4 days, 5 days. You're overthinking now. Okay let's talk it out.

Things are settled, we're okay.

6 days, the 7th day.

We're not okay.

"A palm reader told me that I won't find my true love till 30 and I probably won't get married." That's what was said just short of 3 years ago on our first date. I thought it was just words and I didn't believe it but it stayed with me.

Your words to me that night. With tearful eyes and shaky voices you said,

"I don't see a future with you. There were times I was just going with it. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm not a relationship person.".

I begged you to reconsider, I denied it as much as possible but I know. I knew it before we even started and I knew it during. Yet, like the naïve women I am, hopeful that this time this was the going to be the one. I only fooled myself.

1 day, 2 days, 7 days of tears. I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus. My anxiety is back, my heart aches and yearned for you.

Day 8, " You don't want to be with someone who says they sometimes see a future with and sometimes doesn't." Words only a mother could give with strength and clarity behind them.

That evening, I didn't cry and the days after I was fine.

I'm gonna be fine.

I was fine and two weeks letter, you reached out. A well thought out text that was more like an email. I cried as I read it. They weren't tears of hurt or pain but of happiness. You asked to remains friends and came to terms with the faults that had our relationship. I was truly happy for such closure.

During our time apart I found myself realizing that even my love for you had changed from romance to friendship but I was too comfortable and too fearful to address things had changed.

Some more time has passed and I'm genuinely happy with where we are now in both independence and friendship.