With his heads pounding hard, what felt like hitting stones- Shravan opened his eyes in a dark and dingy room. With his senses accelerating, he could feel a desperate pain rising in the back of his skull. It was was exhilarating to his senses and the black room added to his agony. With a small movement, he rushed his palms over his head. It stung badly. After a few flutters, he could picture a blurred memory.
He had fallen.No.He passed out.Why?Because Suman was on a hospital bed.Suman?
Shravan pressed harder. He squinted his eyes and suddenly something passed over him.Captain Suman Tiwari was pronounced dead.
Was it a nightmare? An ugly, very ugly dream.
But then why his head stung so badly? Why was his forehead plastered with cloth and cotton?'Suman?' he called out, in a shallow voice. He felt his throat go sore on the address as if he had screamed the same name a thousand times a few hours before.
A bathtub. Filled with water.No, with scarlet water.Suman was lying in it. Limp and unconscious.
'Oh god...' his voice unleashed the ineffable labor he felt heaving his chest. His senses felt going blurry again. His eyes filled with water, a lot of water.
But he had to get out of there. He couldn't just sit and wait. Wait and let things happen. So moving his hands a bit, he touched a night lamp. He violently punched a few switches and pulled the wires. Finally, he had some light. It was a small room. And it smelled of betadine and alcoholic sanitizers.
Was he in the hospital?He indeed was. It was his friend's spare room. He could read his name on the entrance. DR. RAVI GUJRALMBBS, MD(Psychiatry)
Shravan reached out for his mobile. There were a few missed calls. Not much. Maybe Bunty was calling him.
Ignoring the throbbing pain in his head he swiped right to Bunty's contact.
'Where the hell are you!' Bunty was already speaking over, much before Shravan could contemplate a hey!'I don't know, in the hospital.' Shravan closed his eyes shut. 'Ravi isn't picking up the call.' Bunty's voice softened naturally. 'I have no clue of anything right now. Kanchan and Mom, and Dad, everybody is crying. Veer is still sleeping. What happened Shravan?' Bunty's voice was cracking at its base.'Sumo?' Shravan dodged his questions. 'Is she there?' he asked in a pricking desperateness.There were muffled sighs on the other end of the receiver. Maybe, Bunty was biting his lips or holding a cry. 'Come to the Tiwari house.' he said and explained how he had loads of works to complete. Still, he couldn't use words like- a funeral, priest, and casket. It saved them from a horrible reality for a few spare moments.
Shravan stayed quiet. He detached the phone from his head, not knowing what to say and what to do. A faint question of Ravi's absence lingered in his head. But then he saw something more, his phone needed him to know.
-----You have an audio message------
He barely got any audio messages. It was really peculiar. There was a small notice of - listen when alone- attached to them. He felt his blood rushing and heart beating like crazy.
Was it Suman?
He punched the play button with shivering hands. If he had used any more force, the mobile must have fallen out of his grip.
Hey! Shravan!
He paused the audio. It was Suman. He knew it. The way his name sounded from her mouth. Like it was some beating rythum. It was beautiful.
What was he supposed to do of it? Listen to an audio message from the woman who he loved, who had just killed herself a few hours ago?What did she think of him?
He felt his cheeks going hot and his anger beating in his blood. He wanted to throw his phone really hard on the floor. He felt betrayed and empty and angry. It was like a deep cut he felt across his chest. It swelled in his veins and busted his mind.
But then what did he have more?
More than her voice?
Which was a piercing melody to his soul.He had lost his chance, he didn't know how, but he did lose it.
To time maybe.
To his destiny.
It's the first time I am recording an audio message. Like we talked once that how silly it is to not call and just send audio messages to each other? We never did it that way, did we? There was a muffled giggle. As if she was telling a joke. But then maybe, we all have to try a thing for the first time, don't we? In this case, if you get this message, I am trying it for the last time. A strange quietness followed for five seconds.
Did she weigh her words before speaking all that?
Did she have any second thoughts, of stepping back?
The questions crushed Shravan's mind.
Before plunging to the sick feeling you might be getting because of my voice, I want to tell you that why I did, what I did. I know, you might feel like throwing this phone away, Shravan, but let me tell you- that if you have toiled for me so hard, then you ought to listen to my side of the story just for once.
'Suman, I am already feeling sick.' Shravan mumbled, feeling feverish already.
I was ill. And I didn't know it. Not until 6 months ago. Just when you came back. After a long spell of 7 years, my emotions were intensifying into something really hysterical and beautiful at the same time. It was maddening. There were bouts of sudden anger and happiness and sadness, something I couldn't define in words. One time, I was happy to be a part of everything I did, and the other time I wanted to be dragged back into the earth. Like...Like... Her voice traveled into a faint tone Like I could feel my heart thudding out of my rib cage for the moment. My mania is maddening Shravan!
Shravan felt himself clutching his mobile phone. It vibrated with her muffled heartbeats, strong and fast. Too unlike of the present reality.
I had my insecurities. And somewhere in the past few months, I had come to the conclusion that I could no more serve in the army. And....and....this one...line. It's like a blot on my dreams. I had worked too hard to achieve this to let it go. It made me feel like shit, that I had no use. My hallucinations deepened with such bizarre thoughts. I am of no use, anymore, Shravan. Suman said with a deep torment throbbing in the back of her throat.
She was hurting and he didn't know. Shravan let a tear escape his eyes, rolling his head in a no. He should have talked to her enough. He should have dug till the root of her hurt.
He was just trying to protect her, by not exposing her skin open.
Or maybe, he was trying to protect himself.
By shelling up the reality.
But still, there was hope. She said, pressing on the past tense. You were with me. You were too good Shravan. Much more than my family could do for me. She paused a bit and took a long breath.
My family! They are lovely people. Just tell them. That I love them and they were nice to me, but I didn't deserve them. I wasn't capable of loving them back while still trying to fill the hollowness of my own soul. So I left and I am sorry.
Shravan paused the audio once again. The ache in his head was growing exponentially. He had stitches. He had passed out and most probably had torn his head. Without much thought, he again pushed back the play button.
But you, Shravan, made me want to stay. I had already fought with my thoughts of abandoning the Army. It was difficult but I did it. He could feel her smile victoriously with her words. You were there Captain Malhotra! So calm and sweet and pleasing to my ailing senses. She chuckles, dropping honey in his ears. Shravan felt his corneas becoming glassy yet again.
Then what went wrong Suman? Shravan pleaded a question but was greeted with absolute silence.
But I had to stand by my reputation. Of ruining others, of disappointing them. Her voice was cold and jolted Shravan with a dagger in his gut.
'No...Suman...You never disappointed me'. His lips quivered and his chest was hostile with the constant attempts to mellow down the shocks he experienced every second.
So Shravan, even if you gravitated me back to normality, I saw you slowly and steadily falling in the clutches of my disease. You were too precious to be ruined, love. I know you have resigned from your field duty. But don't.
'Shit!, I should have told her.' Shravan drilled a punch on his bed. It trembled his entire body for a second.
I'm not worth such sacrifices. She laughed a bit and let the silence linger in the audio.
'I wish I had told you, Suman. Told you that you are worth a million more sacrifices! Damn it!' he spat, his heart springing with nothing but pain.
You should have told me. I would have liked it, that way.
Her sweet request tore his inners completely. So was this, his mistake?Anyway, you are the best thing that has happened to me. So I tried, one last time. Suman sighed.
Did she?
Did he fail her again?
I went to Dr. Ravi Gujral. A thorough and nice gentleman. My psychiatrist. And your friend. Maybe more your friend than my doctor. Suman had a bit of hesitation in her voice. I am not blaming you, Ravi. I know you did your best.
Did Ravi fail her?
No, he can't take this anymore. Shravan felt light-headed for the first time in the past hour of his awakening. Of his listening to Suman's audio message.
When I told you that I am ruining my loved ones, you confirmed my fears. You told me to be in my headspace, to not worry about what others did around me? Because I was affecting them right? I was. I knew it. So, I could no longer live with this baggage of being the prick of somebody's life. I don't know what you exactly meant, Dr. Gujral. Her voice again was distant and unreal for a moment. You didn't come back to explain it either, even if I waited. And then, I knew it better myself.
There was a dead pause. Almost nothing. He could hear her breathing, faster, and shallower. Was she crying? With closed eyes, Shravan concentrated more on her voice. speak something Sumo!
Shravan!
Honey!
You are the most caring and adorable soul I could have met.EVER!
Her voice was cracked. She was sobbing.
I know you won't be able to forgive me. But let me go. You never did anything to have this in life and I know it isn't too late. You can still be the most decent man for any girl. Any girl who isn't me. And I will be envious of this truth, forever.
'Come back!' Shravan muttered. He let himself cry with her.
But for this lifetime, I have to go. I am being selfish and careless. And I still know that you will forgive me.
Don't forget me, Captain Malhotra.
I'm Sorry!
There was an instant cut. It stopped.Then and there.--------
