i had lost everything. i had lost everyone. but him,
he has been by my side since we were kids, he hasn't given up on me even though he's seen me at my worst. he helped me through everything, through all me losses. he's seen me win, he's seen my laugh and he's seen me cry. he made me feel like i was the only girl alive, but to him, i'm not.
mattia now has a girlfriend, each week he spends less and less time with me. he hardly speaks to me anymore. and it hurts. it hurts too much. i can't do this without him. i can't lose him. i wait every day just for him to text me, just for him to ask if i'm okay but it never comes. i'm losing him like everyone else and there's nothing i can do about it.
i walked into school, without him by my side whispering that everything is going to be okay. i looked to my left and saw him with his girlfriend, he glanced at me once and i saw guilt fill into his eyes. i walked in the opposite direction to him, back out of the school. i got into my car and drove to a hill. our hill ; we always came here to think about our life problems and distance ourselves from the real world. i looked at the view before me and tears just started rolling down my face, i couldn't stop them. small sobs began to spill out of my mouth, they got more loud and intense as time went on.
i heard a car pull up behind me, already knowing who it was i started to walk back to my car. only for him to stop me and sit me next to him, near the edge of the hill. we sat in silence, just looking at the buildings and greenery below us before he spoke: "i'm sorry, y/n." his voice was soft and sincere. "fuck you.." i whispered, my words harsh but quiet and calm. "what ?" he asked softly, his head snapping towards me just to see my tear-stained cheeks. "fuck you, polibio. you left me and you promised me you wouldn't, you fucking promised me on your mother's life, mattia. i hate you, i hate you so much ! i needed you, and you didn't even bat an eyelash towards me. my situation at home and at school has worsened over the past few months, not that you care nor do you want to know. when i first met you, i thought you were going to be by my side until we were old, but no. i don't think that anymore. you've been dodging me for months, you don't even message me anymore and you- and you expect me to forgive you straight away ? it's not fair, you-you don't get to do this to me and then expect me to accept you back into my life.." i was cut off by my own sobs, i began shaking, my full body just shutting down. it was getting hard to breathe, i was having a panic attack.
mattia caught onto this quickly and grabbed my limp body and pulled me into his lap, he stroked my hair. "y/n if you're ready, find something you can see. focus on that for 10 seconds, okay ?" he waited ten seconds, "okay now focus on something you can hear, like birds or trees rustling, for ten seconds..." "now focus on something you can smell for ten more seconds. you're going to be okay..." "alright finally, focus on something you can touch," i instantly squeezed his hand, quiet sobs still coming out of my mouth. his free hand soothed small, calming circles onto my back while i cried into his chest.
"y/n, i'm not using this to excuse what i did to you. but i need to explain myself. can i ?" he softly asked while still having his tight grip on me, caressing my back with his thumb. i nodded into his chest, too tired to fight with him again.
"alright, you've got to listen to me carefully.. right, well.. when i first started dating her, it was all going well. i'm assuming that you remember that we were still close, and we spoke daily like we usually did, yeah ? well, after a few weeks, the relationship began to go downhill. i didn't want to tell you as i knew your problems were far more significant than mine and i didn't want you worrying about me on top of yourself. anyways..uh, i was talking- well, arguing with her one night and she began accusing me of cheating on her with you. she said that she wouldn't believe me if i didn't distance myself from you, that was about the second week of me dating her, when i began to ditch you to hang out with her. she then began to manipulate me, using my own words against me in very different contexts, she became a monster. she was so rude to me in private but in public she acted like the angel i thought she was when i met her and got to know her. i tried to break up with her many times but she wouldn't let me. little did she know, that i began to collect the evidence of our toxic relationship, such as texts, recording phone calls, recording arguments, 'accidentally' leaving my x box mic on when we argued and so on. i showed her all of it and broke up with her just as i saw you leave, it took me a while because at first she wasn't having it. but i just left and we'll, here i am." my face was plastered in shock. he went through that and didn't tell me a single thing ?
"mattia.." i didn't know what to say. he shook his head, "you don't have to say anything, i know now that i didn't deserve anything that she did to me in that relationship. don't apologise for something you didn't put me through." he whispered, stroking my hair. "but i wasn't there when you needed me..i promised you i would be there for you and i just-" he cut me off, " i wasn't there for you, either. you didn't do anything wrong, you had and still have every right to be mad at me." he softly said. "i never was mad at you.. i was just hurt.." i said. he nodded and held me tighter, like he never wanted to let me go. "you're the one i can't lose." he whispered before we settled into a comfortable silence, both just happy the other was there and that their life-long friendship was now repaired.
ᴬᴹᴱᴸᴵᴬ ᵀᴬᴸᴷˢ
this was sat in my drafts for a while oops. it was also really long so, no proofreading sorry🤝.
