Dream screamed into his pillow, falling onto his bed. He glanced at the mirror leaning against his wall and cursed at it. "FUCK YOU" he wiped his tear-stained face with his sleeve. "WHY ARE YOU SO UGLY AND USELESS ALL THE TIME WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET ANYTHING RIGHT"
He stared at his reflection in the dirty mirror for another 5 minutes and then got up. I can't be wasting my time thinking this shit. He scolded himself, slapping himself across the face. He stared at his reflection again. He spent the next 20 minutes picking apart his appearance in the reflection, picking at all the imperfections and things he wished he could change. He looked at his tear-stained face. He looked so tired, so hollow. I don't even look like a person. He thought. But that's what you want, think about how many people will worry about you. The voice in his head whispered. That demon inside him, that watched and scrutinized every little thing he did. The voice that would never let him be perfect or anything other than absolutely fucking useless.
He looked over at his computer and saw that someone had messaged him on discord. He went over and sat down at his computer.
George: Hey dream I'm streaming soon you wanna hop in the vc ? :)
Dream's expression immediately softened when he read the message from his friend. He loved all of his friends equally, but he had a soft spot for George. They had known each other for years and hadn't gone more than a day without speaking to each other since they met.
Dream: Yes I'll join in a sec
George: ok see ya
Dream ran downstairs to the kitchen and saw that it was already dark outside. I wasted so much time thinking about myself, I'm so fucking selfish. He thought to himself. He stood in the middle of his kitchen and rolled up his sleeves, looking at the cuts going up and down his arms. He felt the oh so familiar feeling of tears welling up in his eyes again. His vision became blurry and, before he knew it, he had his blade in his hand and was running to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror and started yelling,
"This one's for being dramatic,, this one's for being useless,, this one's for being fat,, this one's for being ugly,," He yelled at himself, cutting a new slit into his arm with each phrase until he was satisfied. He stared at them and let some of his tears fall onto them, wincing at the sting.
He ran his hand under warm water and pulled his sleeve back up. Fuck, George is waiting for me. He panicked. He ran to get a glass of water and ran back up to his room, trying not to succumb to the spots forming across his vision, begging him to lie down and let his body rest.
He reached his room and sat down, putting his headphones on. He looked out his window, getting distracted by the rain outside. It wasn't very often that it rained in Florida, and Dream loved when it did. The sound of the rain pounding against his window was so calming.
"Dream?" He heard a voice in his headphones, snapping him out of his trance. It was George.
"Hi George!" He said excitedly. He didn't know why George made him feel this way and not any of his other friends. Do I have a crush on him? He thought to himself, immediately pushing the thought away and slapping himself across the face. No, I'm not gay, and George likes Heather anyway. I don't deserve him either way.
"Someone sounds excited." He heard Sapnap tease them. Dream rolls his eyes. If only they knew what I was doing just minutes ago.
"I was just bored Sapnap." Dream said, "I was excited to have something to do."
"Yeah sure" Sapnap agreed sarcastically.
George streamed for a few hours until Sapnap said he was going to bed and George ended his stream. They were just sitting on the call, not saying anything and working on their own stuff as they usually do after a stream when Dream heard George say,
"what time is it in Florida right now?" Dream looked at the time and shrugged.
"4:43 am" he answered.
"Aren't you tired Dream?" George asked, sounding concerned, "your voice sounded really hoarse when you joined the stream, are you sick?" Dream chuckled, George always worried about him too much. A small part of him liked that, it made him feel like George cared about him, but another part of him always scolded that part for thinking that. That's such a selfish thing to think. You don't deserve to have anyone care about you/
"I don't really have a great sleep schedule, I woke up around 4 pm today so I'm not tired yet." He wasn't lying, but he wasn't telling the whole truth either. He did wake up around 4 but he was so so tired. At this point, it had just become a part of him, the constant pain in his lower abdomen and the constant tiredness that came with it. The tiredness that was only slightly relieved when he ate something and the pain that was only replaced with a different kind of pain, and a fuck ton of inner turmoil and self hate whenever he ate something. He could never win.
"Alright, but you should try and get some proper sleep Dream." George said, sounding concerned again. Now all Dream could feel was overwhelming guilt. He shouldn't have said anything, he should have said something else, he was just a useless, attention seeking bitch.
"I will George don't worry about me." Dream answered, trying his best to sound cheerful. He hated lying to his friends but he couldn't bring himself to tell them anything. They would probably think I'm just being pathetic and dramatic and leave me.
"Alright Dream, goodnight" George said and ended the call. Dream stared at his screen for a minute.
George started a call that lasted 3 hours. It read. He rested his head in his hands, looking out the window again. The sun had started to come up and Dream looked at his phone to check the time. 5:04 am. It read.
Fuck, Olivia's coming over soon. Dream thought. No, she's my girlfriend, I should be happy that she's coming over. He slapped himself across the face a few times and got up and left his room. He headed towards his kitchen and made himself a cup of black coffee. He basically lived off of it. Even though he hated the harsh bitter taste, he relied on it for energy and to relieve the near constant pains in his stomach. He brought the cup to his lips and took a sip, immediately recoiling at the bitter taste. He quickly drank the whole cup and put it in the sink, chugging a cup of water to try and rid the aftertaste that lingered in his mouth. He opened his fridge and looked at all the food in it. He generally didn't buy much of it, to try and keep himself from eating it all but Olivia would always bring some over and leave it in his fridge. He closed his fridge and looked away. He sat down on the couch and closed his eyes.
You don't actually want it. He told himself. You're just being greedy. Think about how many people will like you more when you're pretty. He got up and saw his cat, Patches standing in the doorway looking at him. She always somehow knew whenever something was wrong. He went and picked her up and held her for a while.
"Oh Patches I'm so sorry you have to deal with me." He whispered, burying his face into her fur. She meowed at him in response and licked his hand. How can she read my emotions so well. He wondered, putting her down and putting food in her bowl. She immediately ran over and started eating it, purring happily. He looked at her fondly. If only it was that easy for me.
He was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of the door opening. He looked over and saw Olivia standing in the doorway.
"Hi!" he said excitedly. He shot him a glare and walked over to him.
"What are you doing?" she asked him accusingly.
"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.
"I saw you talking to that friend of yours on his stream earlier, are you cheating on me" she yelled at him. He flinched at her loud voice and shook his head.
"No, I would never, and besides, he likes someone else" Olivia slapped him across the face.
"You're lying to aren't you, after all I've done for you, does our relationship mean nothing to you" she spat, punching him in the stomach and knocking him to the floor. She glared at him again and went to her room. He stayed on the ground for a minute, staring at his ceiling.
How did I end up like this.
YOU ARE READING
Black Coffee (DreamNotFound)
Fanfiction"No, I'm not gay, I can't like him." Dream thought to himself. "what would Olivia think"
