The Beginning (Brittana)

25

Santana's POV

Every time Brittany and I slept together, I told myself that it was just because I liked sex, not because I liked her. But the more that it happened, the harder it was for me to deny that maybe I did like Brittany, and I was scared of what that all entailed.

Being grounded gave me some time to think things over (as well as time to do homework to make up for my recent slacking). The more I stayed home alone, the lonelier I felt. And I realized that the only person I really wanted to ease my loneliness was Brittany.

I knew that Brittany liked to make out with other girls sometimes. And Brittany said that she liked me, but how could I know if she really liked me? As much as I began to understand I liked her, did I even want her to like me back? I could never see myself with anyone besides a boy in my reality. Being with girls (more specifically Brittany) was left for the dreams that left me both happy and terrified. Sleeping with Brittany was the closest I would get to ever being in a relationship with her, as hard as it was for me to admit to myself that I wanted that. I didn't want to want Brittany, but it was getting harder to ignore.

---

The Rachel drama finally ended after the glee club won the Invitational competition. But the glee drama was far from over with Quinn's pregnancy amongst other things. Mr. Schue planned a boys vs. girls mash-off to try to motivate us to work harder in glee club. As strange as it sounds, Mr. Schuester's wife gave the whole glee club drugs, and then Coach Sylvester was assigned co-director of the glee club.

Besides all the glee club drama, though, I grew much closer with Brittany. We were rarely apart, and that filled my life with good butterflies instead of the bad ones of my regular life. But even though Brittany brought happiness into my life, she also brought confliction. I couldn't let myself think about the possibility of being a lesbian.

After Coach Sylvester stepped down from her position as co-director of the glee club, she kicked Quinn off the Cheerios due to her pregnancy. I was off-again with Puck and started "seeing" Matt Rutherford, trying to convince myself that I could find happiness and boys and not just Brittany.

When there was only one week left until Sectionals, Mr. Schuester gave the glee club a ballad assignment in which we would be partnered off. As happy as I was to draw Brittany's name from the hat ("I bet the duck's in the hat") because I didn't want to sing a ballad with any other group member, I was nervous. I could never sing a love song to Brittany, but it would be hard to find a ballad that wasn't romantic.

"Could we sing 'When You Look Me In the Eyes'?" Brittany asked when we were sitting on her bed.

"Britt, we can't sing that," I replied.

"Why not?"

"Because it's too romantic."

"Ballads should be romantic, and I know you love that song," Brittany argued, grabbing my right hand.

"No one is supposed to know I like that song, Britt. Why don't we song 'You've Got A Friend' instead?"

"If it'll make you feel better."

I linked my pinky finger with Brittany. The action meant anything and everything depending on the situation; it was our silent language. In this moment, it meant 'thank you' and in others it could mean everything from 'don't go' to 'I'll protect you,' and it was as close as we'd get to actually saying 'I love you.' She smiled at me, and I smiled back before kissing her cheek. I watched Brittany blush until it would be considered borderline creepy to continue looking before I looked away.

---

The next day, Brittany and I spent our time together after school practicing for our glee club ballad performance. The two of us rarely sang anything besides background and harmonies in glee club, so I wanted it to be great. As much as I didn't want to admit it to that band of misfits, I wanted solos in glee club.

And so Brittany and I performed our totally platonic ballad in front of the glee club: You've Got A Friend. It went fine, but I could tell that Brittany wanted more. Maybe she did love me. It sure seemed like she'd give anything just to sing a romantic ballad with me in front of the glee club. In some ways, I wished I could give that to her, but I was nowhere near ready nor would I ever be.

---

That weekend was Thanksgiving weekend, and my parents and I had my abuela over, just like we always did. As much as she interrogated me, she had played a large role in raising me, and I loved her. So, I answered my abuela's questions as honestly as I could without upsetting her.

"Are you dating anyone, Santana?" she asked.

"Si, Abuela. His name is Matt," I replied. I wondered what it would be like if I lived in a world where there was no judgment, a world where I could date Brittany and no one would care, and I would feel safe enough to tell my family. That world seemed impossible.

Wearing such a girly and modest dress was abnormal for me, but if I wore anything else, my abuela would have a fit. I felt uncomfortable at the table with my parents and abuela wearing clothes that made me look like I was ten years old. I wished that I was with Brittany's family. They always laughed around their dinner table.

After supper, Abuela and I cleaned up the leftover food while my parents did the dishes.

"You know, Santanita," Abuela said, "I'm very proud of you. I wish you'd come to visit more often."

"I've been very busy, Abuela."

"I know, but I miss my granddaughter."

"I miss you, too."

As a little girl, I'd spent much of my time with my abuela because my parents worked so much. Once I got old enough to stay home alone, though, I visited her much less. I knew that my abuela had high standards for me, but she loved me. Somewhere deep down I knew that my entire family loved me; we just didn't show it very often. Conversations were rarely heartfelt in the Lopez household.

After Abuela left, I went up to my bedroom and worked on my stretches before getting ready for bed. The last thing I did before falling asleep was text Brittany to wish her a happy Thanksgiving.

------------

I don't love this chapter. Originally, it was going to be longer, but I really wanted the additional scene to be in Brittany's point of view, so this chapter is kind of a filler. Anyway, hope you enjoy!