Penn ✔️

Chapter 61

Jax

November First. It's officially winter, and the strong rays of winter sun are streaming through the half-shuttered windows of Penn's bedroom as I sit up, rubbing my eyes then instantly regretting it as I note all the black make-up I've just smeared onto my hands. Not that it matters, he doesn't appear to be here anyway. I really should have showered last night before I went to bed. But I went to bed with Penn, so showering wasn't exactly a priority.

Although... we didn't sleep together last night.

I could have showered. I should have.

Scratch that. I should have gone home.

I came upstairs with Penn fully intending to sleep with him. But when the moment came I clammed up. He didn't even question it and I know why. I may have been the one to reject his sexual advances, but he was the one that caused it. He clammed up before I did. Not outwardly, on the inside. He probably thinks I couldn't tell but I could. He forgets I can read him like no one else can. So the moment he had me horizontal on his bed, I just knew that sleeping with me wasn't what he wanted. Maybe on his animalistic primal level, but not emotionally.

And I know it's because of her. Shay. This random girl from his past life.

She was on his mind last night, not me. I may have been the one he took up to his room, but that doesn't mean I was the one he was thinking about. And I proved myself right the second I told him I had a headache. Lame excuse, right? But he totally bought it. He pulled himself away from me, he asked me to spend the night then he told me he was going downstairs for a smoke. He left me sitting in his bed on my own so that he could go smoke weed, and he was gone for more than half an hour. Doesn't usually take him that long to smoke a joint. And I have no idea why I didn't just get out of his bed and leave. For whatever reason, I settled myself under his blankets and allowed my mind to race.

He's been going out of town with Jace to track down this girl, and now he's found her and brought her back here with him. Months and months of his life spent looking for someone from his past. Back when I hated him and he hated me, back when I wasn't a part of his life whatsoever, back before Chord proposed to Scar, and obviously before we agreed to exclusively sleep together... He was looking for Shay.

So obviously she means a lot to him. A hell of a lot. It's too much for me to be okay with, of course it is. So when he finally came back into his room last night, I pretended to be asleep as he got into the bed next to me. He put his arm around me and kissed my cheek, and I had to try real hard not to cry. I don't even know why, I just felt so damn emotional. I mean, here I am knowing that all I am to him is a good lay. And now, here Shay is. Did he sleep with her back in Chicago? Did he date her? Did he... love her?

I don't know, but whatever she meant to him back then it was obviously strong enough for her to still mean something to him now, all these years later. It was enough for him to actually employ Jason to track her down. It's a lot. It's fucking huge.

I push his blankets back violently and get out of bed, ignoring my discarded outfit from the party last night and walking to the closet. I keep so much clothes over here now. Why do I do that? It's convenient, sure, but it's far too close to home. This thing between us is supposed to be casual. Maybe I should be more casual.

I get dressed then step into the bathroom to take care of my panda eyes. Satisfied with my appearance, I walk back into his room and gasp when I see him leaning against the back of a sofa, looking far too hot for a guy that I know didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. Sweats, no shirt, dishevelled hair. Yeah, of course he looks hot.

"Morning." Penn drawls, pushing off of the sofa and turning to address me. "I think we need to talk."

"We do." I agree, breathing deep and steeling myself. The fact that we didn't have sex last night is discussion worthy enough (this is a sex only arrangement, these sexless sleepovers really need to stop). But obviously there's only one relevant topic on the agenda this morning.