LOST MEMORIES

I hate you but I still love you...

[10:11 PM; May 5, 2022]

Dear Calista,

Bakit napakatanga natin?

You were such a great guy...akala ko ikaw na talaga...ang sakit...

I thought you're him...the guy in my dreams...the man I consider 'the one and only'. Umasa ako...unfortunately, you're not him...and I don't think you'll ever be...

I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate him.

I hate myself for being ugly, I hate myself for being annoying, I hate myself for not being good enough, I hate myself for not being like everybody else...

Why am I so dumb? Why am I so dependent to people? Why am I so careless? Why am I not so relatable? Why am I so annoyed? Why am I jealous?

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so crazy? Why do I feel so miserable every time I think about you? Why do you have to tell me that you like someone else and expect that I'll be okay?

Why do I like you? Why did I even fall in love with you? I am so annoyed. I'm so upset. I don't even know why and I don't think I should be because why should I be?!

Walang karapatang mag-selos pero patuloy pa ring nasasaktan sa tuwing nakikita siyang masaya sa iba...

I don't have the right to be upset. I shouldn't be but why does it hurt so much? I loved you more than myself so why would you hurt me this way? How could you?

You had the chance to reject me. You had the chance to tell me you can't and will not fall in love with me. I gave you the chance. I even want to force you to reject me.

...But you didn't. And now I just found out that you have a crush on someone and that someone is not even me.

I'm so tired of hoping that someone will actually love me for who I am so why...

Why am I always miserable? Don't I deserve to be okay? Don't I deserve to be...don't I deserve to be happy and loved?!

Why...just why...

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm really tired...so please tell me...

Do you like me or not? Don't say 50-50 because I have to know. Do you like me or not? Do you have romantic feelings for me or was it just my assumption?

Just reject me...please...

The day I confessed to you, you didn't reject me. You even asked me why you should reject me.

I want you to reject me because I don't want to fall deeper for you because of how sensitive I am. I don't like feeling this way.

I wanted you to reject me because I want to let you go and I want to let myself go. I'm upset. I'm so upset about the fact that you lied to me about having a chance with you.

You gave me that false sense of hope that you'll actually be mine. You made me feel special, you made me feel loved, you made me feel happy...you made me feel something I've never felt before...

Now what? You just...so this is what I get from you? You treated me like I was yours, joked about things like you and I might end up together...

I thought you had no reason to reject me? Why did you betray me? Just why...

I hate you...I really, really hate you...I wish I could turn back time and take back all the things, the compliments, those comforting things I've told you...

I hate you for being happy. I hate you for leaving me broken. I hate you for building me, for making me full again...

I hate you for being a part of me...I hate you...

I hate you.

I wish it will go well with you and that girl you like. I'll be by your side...I hope that you treat her well...that you make her happy and contented in your presence...

Ayaw kong masaktan ka kaya alagaan mo siya at alagaan mo rin sarili mo...alam kong hindi pa kayo pero...just a reminder...

I don't want you to give her a false sense of hope nor do I want you to give yourself a false sense of hope too kasi masakit. Masakit ang umasa...

I hate you but I'll still be here for you. I'll still support you...panda...

I hate you so much that I want to strangle you but...a part of me still says I still love you...

And I hate myself for feeling this way...

I support you. Whoever she is, take good care of her...don't break her heart...

Hays...

Sana hindi na lang tayo nagpakatanga, no? Ang hirap, ang sakit, nakakapagod na ang maging tanga. Nagpapakatanga tayo para sa pag-ibig na hindi naman para sa atin...

Sana...kung maging sila...

Sana maka-move on tayo. Kasi ako? Pagod na ako eh. Tahan na Cali. Di siya para sa atin at di tayo para sa kanya.

Kaya huwag mo nang labanan ang tadhana dahil kahit anong gawin natin, hindi tayo ang pipiliin niya. Tama na Cali. Magpahinga ka na, pagod ka na.

From your dearest tired self,

Calista

To be continued...