Trifecta: Ice [Complete]

Ch 48: Conflicted

I barely stopped myself from slamming my bedroom door shut on Denizen with my shaking hand.  It seemed he had followed me inside.  I let him come into my room and then I finally shut the door firmly behind him as if I could block out the rest of the world.

I should not have run, but it was too much for me to take.

I could only hope that they had not come to blows after I fled.  I worried, but there was nothing I could do.  I felt like all the energy in my muscles had been replaced by my accursed fear leaving me with nothing more than limp overwhelming anxiety.

I walked over to my bed and flopped down on top of the blankets.  I looked around the room and all my possessions from my old pack in my his house mixed in with notebooks and pens and other things I had acquired in my time here.

The curse was agitated and it was intent on punishing me.  It wanted me to suffer for the sin of trying to escape it, but even its punishment could not entirely extinguish the part of me that was meant to be free.  No matter how much it pushed me down, there was something that would never die.  My desire for freedom might lie dormant, but it would always be there, waiting for its moment.

I was a free werewolf of a free people and I had inherited the spirit of those who came before.

And I needed to figure out what I truly wanted so that I could finally make a decision.

I wanted to be free of the curse and this was a possible escape.  Truly, if it worked, it was the least painful option.

I thought back to myself before I was limited by the magic.  What had I wanted?  There was a time when I had assumed I would one day marry someone.  My parents had been happy together and I wanted that for myself, the support, the love, the friendship, before I even really was old enough to understand what it was I longed for.

I had almost forgotten those desires with the pain of my mother's death and my mounting fear at the fate of my people.  But I realized those neglected feelings were still there, that desire to love and be loved in return.

But could I even have that while I dragged around these chains?  Was it worth linking my life to someone else's just to take the easy way out?

If it even was truly an easy way out.

The curse gnawed at the back of my neck.  Though the mark was no longer visible, but I could still feel the ice of each tooth in my flesh.  I did not want to live like this.

I had convinced them I was defeating the curse.  I had certainly won some battles, but the fear was ever there, waiting below the surface, lurking in the shadows until I let down my guard at the wrong moment.  I could manage, I could cope, but I knew deep certainty I could not ultimately defeat the magic.  It was in my flesh and in my mind, perhaps even wound around my soul.  There was nowhere in this world that I could hide.

I wanted to escape the curse no matter what it took, except not at the cost of a life.  I would rather we both persist in misery than see him die for my freedom.

Unfortunately, it was vanishingly unlikely that I would ever have the opportunity to save his life, either, especially handicapped as I was.

I knew I would take the gamble.  I had to make a decision, I had to decide with whom I wanted to take such a risk.

The horrible, shameful truth was I would gladly accepted either Serge's or Matthias' proposals individually.  I cared about both of them.

It was likely I could come to love either of them in time.  Both clearly cared for me and both their words were plain.