in the middle of june

panic attacks are shit.

tw: panic attacks, mentions of abuse and suicide and self-harm referances.

~~~

i don't do well in crowds.

i signed a few books and pieces of paper before i was then totally overwhelmed, sensory overload kicking in and then i ran.

i found myself trying to dodge people in the corridors and find somewhere quiet, where i could calm down. but it's a british high school/sixth form, no-where's ever quiet - even in exams.
my constant hyperventilating becoming an excruciating sound to hear and my head starting to feel light, running into people, being cornered, i needed a way to get out.
i try to keep myself busy and distract myself from everything that was happening, but what else can i do?
the breathing exercises never work.
the counting never works.
the counselling never works.
talking never works.
'walking it off' never works.
how do they expect me to get better and stop the panic attacks if nothing ever works!?
i walk around for what feels like hours, but is actually about 25 minutes. i was mostly calm by now, then the school's receptionist calls me down to reception.

"why do you need me here?" i ask, trying to hide the panic and the hurt and the venom in my voice.

"there's someone here to collect you, they're waiting just over there." she said politely, i don't care how much sweetness she laces her voice with, i still fucking hate her for all the times that she'd ignored me when i was ill or just simply needed help.
i used to get ill a lot - mostly tonsilitis - but she would never believe me and would always send me back to lessons, even if i'd just thrown up.

i snap out of my thoughts, still confused as to who it was, or what was going on, until i turned around and i saw him.

"hey kid." he said

"wh- what're you doing here?"

"like the lady said, i'm here to pick you up, we're going on a little road trip."

"no. we're not, i'm not going anywhere, not with you. i've told you and this stupid school that i never want to see or speak to you ever again. get the fuck out of this school, and get the fuck out of my life!"

"no, you're coming with me, i'm your father y/n, get your arse over here and let's go."

"no! you have never been my father! you can only say that because you married my mum, and even then, you don't even deserve the right to call yourself my step-father! you abused me, mentally and physically for years, begging for forgiveness every single time and i stupidly gave it too you, but you hurt me one too many times and i will not be letting you back into my life, not again, not ever again! i would rather slit my own throat than go anywhere with you! i would rather do what abi did to herself, than spend anymore time with you!"

"don't bring your sister into this! she had nothing to do with any of it."

"do i look like i care what you think? she had everything to do with this, she killed herself because of you! she took that knife you and mum cut the cake with at your wedding and she slit her wrists on the kitchen floor, just so that she didn't have to live in a world that has you in it! you were the reason she did that to herself and you are the reason that y/s/n is the way she is now. she doesn't talk to anyone; she hides away in her room all day, every day; she tries to hide the scars and the burn marks with her clothes and all of that is your fault. so no, i will not be going anywhere will a spiteful and pitiful old man who loves nothing more than making other people's lives miserable."

"sir, could you please step outside of the building? we do not want to have to remove you with force." came a voice from behind me.

i turn to look through the glass doors that lead to the corridor and see about 40 of my classmates staring back at me.
nobody knew why i moved from my last school to this one, nobody knew that i had a second sister, now everyone does and i've only got for more days left in the hell-hole.

"no, i want to take my daughter home."

"sir, you are clearly cause the child significant amounts of distress, please leave this area without incident and do not come back." the same voice replied.

"fine." he said, slowly turning around and exiting the building.

i let out a breath i had long been holding and turned towards the reception exit that leads to the student corridor as the bell indicating that the next class period was to begin had rung.

"stop right there." the same teacher called from behind, "where do you think you're going?"

"b-back to c-cl-class." i say, still trembling from the interaction i had just had.

"no you're not. you're going home."

"no i'm not, i don't want to go home right now, i want to stay here, i don't want to be 'the kid that was sent home on the first day of her last week', so i'm not going home." i say, scared of the response they may give.

"ok."

"really? thank you!"

"just go to lesson, now please."

i hurry to my next lesson and sit in my normal seat in the back corner, i tried to hide my face and stay quiet for the rest of the day, people still confused and scared, not knowing what had just happened.
i finally get home at 4:23 pm, and go straight upstairs and to my bedroom, and a text comes through as i sit down.

~~~
a.n.:
sorry for adding references to suicide and self-harm, i just felt as though it was important to character back story, if anyone has any problems with it, feel free to dm me, or leave a comment <3

xoxo