To My Youth [BL]

[25] A Letter to You (2/2)

The two started eating, and Gu Xiao would first chew slowly, ensuring it was edible, before chewing it normally.

"How many people have you dated in the past?" Lan Yuning asked.

Gu Xiao coughed violently and looked at him with eyes rounded. "I didn't understand the concept of dating back then! And it was also because I didn't take it too seriously— wait, no. That sounds more worse when I say it than what it means. I promise I'm not like that anymore..."

Lan Yuning didn't respond and kept eating silently. In a peculiar sense, seeing how distressed and anxious Gu Xiao looked right now made him somewhat lighter. It was quite funny seeing how hard he was trying to redeem himself.

"Then... do you have a person you like now?"

Lan Yuning instantly regretted asking that question. If Gu Xiao said 'yes' to that question, then what would he do? He liked him. But for Gu Xiao, to like another man had probably never crossed his mind.

Lan Yuning kept his eyes on the table, and seldomly found the chance to peek up at the other, but when he did, Gu Xiao would be looking at him with those tender eyes.

"I'm not sure."

Just hearing him confirm it without pondering stirred the heat within his chest to rise to his head as his heart started thumping louder and louder. Lan Yuning's grip on his chopsticks tightened even more.

"You're not sure?"

Gu Xiao rubbed his neck. Despite the weak lights, the redness flushing his face couldn't be concealed by the night. The jagged edges of a shard of glass pricked Lan Yuning's heart.

"I don't know. I guess I've never really liked someone before so I'm not sure what exactly it means to like someone. What does it feel to be attracted to a person?"

"Are you asking that to me?"

"Yes. There's no one else here," he chuckled.

"Um..." Biting the edge of his chopsticks, Lan Yuning allowed his clouded thoughts to lurk through the gaps of his head before responding, "Maybe... you can feel vulnerable with them. You feel that you can share your happiest moments with them without feeling that what you say is a waste of time to them. And that when you're having a hard time, you feel like they will not judge you for what you're struggling with... and just having their presence calms you, even if they say nothing to you."

It was Gu Xiao's face that drew him in. Something he could see deep within those clouded eyes. Not that he thought there was the slightest chance Gu Xiao could ever romantically like him even a little bit, he was fine like this.

Even if he wanted to take a step closer to Gu Xiao, he could only imagine it leading to despair. This distance. This friendship. That definite source of warmth. Lan Yuning was fine with this.

Perhaps it was good that he decided to start this conversation. Now, maybe he knew a little of where he stood in Gu Xiao's life.

"Maybe to like someone means that you love the person who stands before you. Not for their past or future self, but for the present. You like the way they smile and laugh about the little things going on in that moment, and not for who they would be in the future or how they used to act in the past. It's good to consider the past as how they have grown into the person as they are now, but it shouldn't impact the way you see them."

Lan Yuning was unsure why Gu Xiao hadn't asked him about the candy he gave him or even the strange words he said to him while he was sleeping.

If it was anyone else, this behaviour would immediately weird them out. Not hearing Gu Xiao ever mentioning what happened in that classroom forced waves of anxiousness to crash his mind.