can you hear me?

01

M A E

You know what parents tell you about alchohol and drugs when you're thirteen. That you should never start that shit and that it's not good for you, that you can get addicted. And you know it's true, you get addicted but what if you don't have anything else? But fuck how good it feels to not have to think about anything, like your problems are gone for a few hours. While afterwards you know they will stay because of the drugs. The questions that always keep coming, why do you use, or why do you drink so much? The answer is simple I don't want to feel my heart. In fact I don't want to feel, so I stick to sipping.

My room is a mess, stuff is everywhere. Even on my bed, but I can live and sleep in it so I don't care. My roommate is gone, for good you might say. After she went with my brother I already wanted to break contact, but my family wouldn't let me. She went to another room, closer to my brother her fucking boyfriend fucking bitch.

Actually she was the only one, the only one who kept me off the drugs and the only one who listened to me. It was too good to be true, she knew very well how hard it was for me to be Aiden Johnson's sister. It's like you don't have a name, like you're not seen as a person. You're kind of a "oh yeah you exist too" effect. My mother on the other hand thinks I should give it to her and not be so stubborn, of course my brother and actually my whole family thinks so too. They just don't know the truth, they seem to care more about Hannah than their own daughter, but anyway.

It's Friday night the day where all the college students get drunk, rub up against each other and fuck in rooms that don't belong to them. College parties, you either love them or you hate them. In my first years I was dragged along by Hannah, after a few weeks she had already seen that there was no point and I stayed home. Red flag? Yes, maybe a little, but I ruined her Friday if I wanted to keep her home.

I make my way among the partying students looking for Mase, or Mason whatever. He's one of the few friends I have, if I can count him as a friend. He's my regular drug dealer, well I'm more like his regular customer. It's more that I trust him and I know he won't take me to a shitty junkyard. Mase doesn't party, his business is only good because of those frat parties. I know he once sold pills to my brother, which is fucking pathetic, but fine. Your star player only takes pills at a party because he just scored the winning touchdown. Fantastic right?

I feel eyes on me, in my back, on my legs and on my head. Unlike everyone else, I don't look as perfect as most here, who probably spent hours working on their looks to bring someone home tonight. I pull the oversized sweater against me and my slightly oversized black pants hide my body, something I love. I don't like it when someone can see everything, even when it comes to swimming by the sea I stay home.

"Discount?" I ask Mase who is tapping out his joint on the floor. The joint behind his ear makes it clear he's not done with this night yet, he gives me a nod and tosses the white powder sealed in a transparent baggie in front of my nose. Fuck yes. I throw a few dollars on the table not knowing what I'm doing and come and sit next to him where another number of people are already lining up to buy things from Mason. I look around the yard and soon see two people I don't want to see, I roll my eyes and a loud sigh leaves my mouth.

'I fucking hate people.' I hear Mason chuckle next to me and show me the stack of bills, he sticks his tongue out and takes the joint out from behind his ear before lighting it up.

"I fucking love them. He grins and hides the money, behind him in a black Nike sports bag. I look at all the young people around me, they have a story just like me. But they hide it to show all is well, Amelia Roberts she is depressed and has fucked up parents I can't judge tho. I know her from an introduction to the clinic, in those ten weeks she hasn't changed. Neither have I, but the face she is showing now is fake. When she comes home later she is going to cry, because she knows she is a second option to her friends. It's better to be alone, the ones you care about the most are going to hurt you the most. They walk out of your life as if you never existed. So what? The only one you can build on is yourself, no one else is going to do it for you or fix it.

Fuck that feels damn good, I shrug my nose, hoping no one has seen it. I clasp the bag, which is still pretty full, in my hands and wave at Mase. Like a worm, I try to make my way through the crowd. I pick up my bike from the green grass in the front yard of the house and leave feeling happier than when I came here. The dark streets give me peace; there is no one around. Although it is a safe neighborhood I have pepper spray, there are too many idiots in this world who target women. I park my bike for something in front of the fairgrounds and lock it, I know full well that no one wants my bike. It is old, ugly, rusty and just barely falling apart.

The bright lights make me blink and my eyes soon fall on all the children who are here. Holding big stuffed toys they won at a race, or children sitting together in the giant rat. If they knew what the future held for them, they probably wanted to be freshmen in their high school, too. I walk over to the grabbing machines, where I can already see Noah's dark brown hair. He grapples with beside the pink teddy bear and hits the machine hard which gets an angry look from the owner.

'I thought you weren't coming don't make me wait so long again'. He turns around and his brown eyes look at me dully. Noah, a friend of mine. His name is not Noah we have not told each other our real names, whether we are really friends is also questionable. We tell each other everything, what a stranger knows nothing about you and so cannot judge.

'I'm sorry Noah' I say and sit down on a bench opposite the grabbing machines.