can you hear me?

03

MAE

I'm sober, I must be sober. Today is the monthly Johnson dinner. It's a dinner our parents hold dear, especially after Luca's death. He was the younger of the three of us, had just gotten his driver's license and was drunk behind the wheel. One of the reasons I'm always sober in the car. I miss him, I miss him every day. It's been five years now, but it still hurts. I drive up the driveway and see my brother's car already there too, so Hannah is already there too. Fuck yes

"Hello sweetheart how are you? My mom opens the door and I force my smile. I mumble something back and walk further into the house, this is where I grew up and it reminds me of all sorts of things. Not just negative things, when we were little the three of us had a very good bond as siblings. After the death of Luca and college everything has changed, nothing is the same anymore the bond between me and Aiden is not and the bond between me and my parents is not. As I walk further into the house I see the couple already sitting down, they don't notice me so I see an opportunity to go to my dad in the kitchen.

'Hi dad, smells good'

'Thanks" he gives me a kiss on me crown and continues cooking dinner it has always been the case with us that my dad cooked, mom hates cooking and dad almost feels like Gordan Ramsady when he is in the kitchen. Together with him I lift everything to the table, where my mother and Hannah are already happily chatting and also Aiden seems to notice me now but a greeting cannot come out. I sit down in the same spot I used to sit and notice the empty spot next to me, Luca's spot. I bite the inside of my cheek, because me and Hannah have such arguments it is quiet during this dinner and you can smell the tension worse than the food Dad cooked.

'How's football? What do you think about the game tomorrow?' Sure how could it not be about Aiden and football too.

'Good, last week we didn't play as a team did win but we need to do better if we want to beat Belcher in a few weeks.' Says he as he crams some food down his throat, Belcher University has always been our 'rival'. I never go to Aiden's games, I don't watch them back either I don't give a fuck about the sport. But one thing I do know he is blood cranky when he gets back from that game, Belcher of the tigers have had one of the best coaches in the United States for a few years now so I wouldn't be surprised if Aiden loses again.

'Ryan Green was good I heard from a friend of mine, Belcher had won over Georgia yesterday' Hannah says. I little chuckles escapes from my mouth, she was never interested in football and now she's sticking it all to fuck off.

"What are you laughing at? Asks Hannah when she has noticed me chuckle, I pursed my lips fuck I didn't think anyone had heard that. For the first time this evening I look at her, she has an angry look in her eyes Aiden has by now grabbed her and reassures her. I nod no shaking my head as I see it happening in front of me, who would have ever thought this Hannah fucking Atwood is my sister-in-law. Meanwhile, my father who had walked away from this conversation has come walking in with dessert. There is a silence, not a nice silence but no one dares to say anything. The last time I was here I argued with Aiden, and of course my parents sided with my brother. I cast another glance to the left where Luca's empty chair stands, without realizing it a tear rolls down my cheek.

I try to control my feelings of sadness and anger as I look at Luca's empty chair. His absence is palpable, and it seems like we never really recovered from his loss. As I try to hold back my tears, Aiden keeps up a conversation about his football game and Hannah is all too happy to listen to her new interest, or interests. It feels like they have lied to me everywhere.

"How are you, Mae?" asks Aiden suddenly, as if he has noticed how quiet I am. I almost choke on the food I still have in my mouth when the question has actually sunk in.

I sigh deeply and meet his gaze. "Fine, Aiden," I mutter, trying to keep my emotions under control. But it's Hannah who interferes.

"Ah, come on, Mae. You could show a little more enthusiasm," she says with an exasperated undertone. "It's a family dinner, and you always seem to make such a drama out of it."

I can feel the anger bubbling up.

"You have no idea, Hannah!" I snarl. "You have no idea what it's like to always be the one no one notices. You have no idea what it's like to live with the loss of Luca. So, yes, I am making a drama out of it, because it is a drama for me."

The tension in the room is palpable as Aiden and Hannah look at me. My parents seem uneasy and try to calm the situation, but it is too late. The words are out and there is no turning back.

Aiden gets up and walks over to me. "Mae this is not the time to discuss this," he says with an exasperated undertone.

"Leave her alone, Aiden," my mother says, getting up and standing between us.

The argument seems to have been averted, but the rift between Aiden and me is deeper than ever. It is clear that I am still "Aiden's sister," and my feelings don't seem to matter. That's why I use, everything is numb and I feel nothing.

Dinner ends in silence. My parents and Hannah act as if nothing happened, Aiden has only given me an angry look after I started talking about Luca. I pick up my car keys and give my parents a hug before walking out of the house where everything once started and ended.