Don't regret this

20. Pedri

She tries to leave but I stop her by holding her hand tightly.

She knows. She refuses to even look at me right now.

"I was in depression." I said as a last hope to grab her attention.

It was the truth I never told anyone. The thoughts that even Gavi or my parents doesn't know about.

''I cant stand it anymore. I am always followed, I'm never alone...''

"Sometimes dying seemed okay"

She closed her teary eyes and shut her mouth in a flat line.

"I gave you so many chances, Pedri. Do not say I didn't. You could have told me the truth long ago. You-you could choose not to lie to me and not make me date this fake you." She stuttered as she hold back her tears.

I took her in my arms to calm her.

Is what I did something that is unforgiveable ? Will I never see her genuine smile ? Will I never hear her laugh ? Will I never get to hug her like this, so easely again ?

"Please forgive me. I'm sorry, please don't abandon me like this..."

I kissed her lips as my last hope of forgiveness, but no matter how long our lips touched, she didn't kiss me back. She just waited for me to let go.

"Don't leave me... don't abandon me... please... I'm really sorry."

She never let her tears fell, but mine did. My heart hurts more than my leg right now. If she leaves, I don't know when I will be able to have her back.

I fell on my knees to show her how sorry I was, but it seems that it has no effect on her or whatsoever.

"Do you need time... who am I kidding, of course you do..."

"But how much time will it take...? You and I can't know that. What if that time never comes ? What if during that time you happen to get over me, and you will not like me anymore. In that scenario, you will be happy, but I won't. Can I be selfish, hope for that scenario to never happen ? Can I pray for a soon day to come where you run back in my arms, tell me you love me, and tell me you will not leave me and never let go of us ?"

I hugged her waist as I was on the ground. "I love you so much more than you believe I do." I said as I talked in her t-shirt.

"You are all I have. If you leave me... Have pity on me... please..."

I let go of her waist and moved my head to look at her.

Eyes as cold as ice.

"I know this will take time. I am not as delusional as to think you will forgive me today. But I hope your anger will delude itself, and you will come back to me."

I put my hands on my thighs and looked at her feet, not daring to look at her cold eyes anymore.

Her feet turned around and got further and further away from me.

She opened the door and left without telling me anything.

I wish she shouted, broke something, tried to hurt me with her words, it would have showed that she cared.

But even worse.. she didn't talk. She listened, and when I finished, she left.

She closed her heart to me.

I stayed quietly in my house, in front of my door, where the culprit of my pain was when she was still here.

We hurt each other, I probably hurt her way more than she did. After all, everything is my fault. I'm the one who lied, I betrayed her.

And yet I think the consequences of my actions hurts me way more than her.

I hope it hurts me more than her. She doesn't deserve it. I should be the one who hurts more since it's something I did by myself.

I chose to lie to the woman I like.

And as selfish as I sound when I say this, if her pain isn't too big it will be easier for her to forgive me.

The less big the pain is, the easier we forgive.