All in my Mind

XXV.

I hate being told 'it gets better.'

I hate all of the cliche phrases like that. They don't mean anything to someone like me. I have a strong belief people shouldn't be making promises they can't keep, and nobody can ensure that I'll get to that better like they say.

Personally, I prevent the better myself. That makes it my fault, not theirs. Despite my own hand in things, anybody could look at the pattern and see how it was going to end. I was maybe as close as I could get to progress this time, but it was still never close enough to justify all the credit I was given.

Things don't get better. Not on my watch.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Nurse Taylor asked me. She'd been standing across the room from me for a while now.

It was early morning. The sun had started coming in through the window a little bit ago. I was currently sitting in front of it with my back to Nurse Taylor as if I didn't know she was there. I'd been in this position all night. Sleep had been evasive. It helped that I hadn't exactly tried to find it.

I knew what she was referring to. My wrist was still swollen and achy. I was currently holding it out infront of myself to view it like that would help. Since removing the cast, all it had done was hurt. My mobility was oddly unimproved which I probably could have predicted.

I chose not to respond to her.

"We could give you something for that," Nurse Taylor offered softly. "Doesn't have to be anything heavy. I could give you kids Tylenol if you want."

Silence.

Honestly, if I tried hard enough I could just convince myself she wasn't real. She wasn't even standing there. She wasn't being a nuisance to me. She was nothing. She didn't exist. Who cares?

"I know you're trying to be off the pills right now, and that's fine," she said gently.

It wasn't fine but I did feel slightly intrigued about where she was going with that. It was extra pander-y.

"But you don't have to go without getting your basic needs met," she added. "You can have pain relief Alex. It won't mess with your mind. You'll be fine."

"Pass," I muttered, without turning around.

They'd sent someone in to bargain with me a few times. She was the first one who hadn't tried to convince me to take the psych meds, which was at least a nice concession. I'd thought they'd drug me after yelling at Lily, but they hadn't. I appreciated that too. They'd just dragged me off to my room and they'd closed the door. Slight imprisonment seemed like the smallest price to pay for how I'd treated her.

I wonder how long she'd cried for.

"You're an awful person."

"Alex, you can't sit on the floor like that forever," Nurse Taylor said wearily.

I kept my eyes on the swelling in my wrist. I'd considered trying to tear into my skin, but at this point I knew any small lapse would result in a needle. I wouldn't even put it past them to try to pass off psych meds as baby Tylenol at this point. Or poison. Who knows what they'd actually do to me? They were desperate. They were angry I'd stopped being a good little mental patient for them. I was disappointing and infuriating.

"Should probably just kill yourself," the girl said. She was probably beside me. I was choosing not to look around to find her. "Who all have you upset this week? Your mom? Emily? O'Conner? Lily? The list goes on, doesn't it Alex?"

"I'd really liked it if you left," I said out loud to both Nurse Taylor and the girl. I dropped my swollen hand to my side and just went back to staring at the highway in the distance through my window. The girl snickered. Nurse Taylor didn't say anything. To bolster my argument that she should abandon post, I said, "I know you're required to be here, but I seriously dislike your presence."