Into the Wild Dark

CHAPTER 23 - SUNNY

Ch. 23: Sunny's Breakthrough

September 6 | Day

I was determined not to do it. I was trained not to do it. I wouldn't do it.

I fled the room, leaving Mal alone with Jack. Back against the door, I caught my bearings. Yet, the ill-timed hesitation allowed me to eavesdrop. I couldn't move, nor make out the words. My vision faded hazily as I listened to their voices. Dulcet timbres matched their speakers. The djinn's smokey alto seduced in every octave. Jack's gravelly baritone subdued.

Something bumped against the door, and the two came nearer with tantalizing sex sounds. My eyelids fluttered shut as I pressed an ear to the rhythmic thump-thump coming from the other side. With an imagination fueled by embarrassing search histories, I pictured what they were doing.

Mal's womanly grace enveloping Jack's erection. The slippery wet friction of intercourse played phantom in my thoughts. Eager moans wove reality with fantasy. I pressed my front to the wood and felt the thumping vibrations. A hushed hum lodged in my throat. My eyebrows furrowed, eyes clenched. I pictured Jack steering Mal's body by the hips, burying himself in her lake of fire. I pictured his thrusts, the seductive roll of his pelvis as he rocked in and out but never quite escaped.

"Hmph, fuck..." I drew the word out in a whispered hiss.

My face was burning. Nothing shocked me more than what I wanted to do. The obsession haunted my dreams, woke me frightened, anxious, and needy. There were many things about being in a human body that disoriented me.

Sex blew everything else out of the water.

When he kissed me, I felt like I would die. When she touched me, I thought I'd go insane. However, the craving was a study in contradictions. As panic-inducing as it felt to approach release, it felt just as urgent to get to wherever release might take me. Heaven help, I couldn't hold the reins.

What in the world was happening to me? I tasted blood and realized I bit my lip. Through the door, I overheard Jack emit a toe-curling growl of completion. I knew I would do something if I didn't run.

I pushed away from the door. I hurried down the stairs to my bedroom."Put it out of your head," I puffed. Breathing harshly, I paced with my hands laced behind neck. The discomfort in my loins became an exquisite ache, and heaviness weighted my testicles. At last, I stood beneath the cold spray of the shower until a semblance of normalcy returned to me.

Self-righteousness provided feeble protection. I desired them. I liked them. Understanding Mal's dilemma made my heart open wide for the abyss. My compassion for Jack encompassed his worst mistakes. My morals were compromised, and the more time we spent together, the more things got confused.

I dragged the AngelGuard instructional tomes from my luggage and sprawled on the bed to research what was happening to me. With an appointment to see Wallace days away, I had no choice by to figure this out for myself. I ripped through the pages, eyes scanning for anything that could advise.

The words jumbled in repeated themes. I studied the biological, the psychological, the metaphysical. They all said the same. I was in trouble. I was in love.

***

The pace of life was set. That evening I met with Jack in the garden for sparring. Is it showing? I wondered. I scrubbed any hint of affinity from my demeanor. That night I passed Mal in the hallway. I repressed signs of interest and kept my eyes straight ahead.

Sometimes we found ourselves together for a meal, or, having stumbled upon one or the other in solitude, we dawdled. A conversation ignited. We laughed, flirted or tried not to, touched, stared, helpless to it. Hedged. But mostly I managed to evade them, which I kept up over the next few days until the masking came more naturally.