My Boss

30

As soon as I return to her place, I started in the kitchen.

I figured I'd make her a vegetable soup, I bought fresh fruits as well as bread, and turkey ham for my sandwich. I removed my bandages for me to be able to move faster, it was still painful but I sucked it in.

When done, I checked the time, it was past six in the evening already, and even I is starving. I'll just feed her first then I'll eat.

When I reached her room, I put down the tray on her side table and gently tapped her.

"Hi. How do you feel?" I greeted her as she opens her eyes.

"Cara?" Her brows are furrowed while looking at me. I can't help but giggle at her.

"Do you know anybody else that has the same face as mine?" I teased her.

When she tried to sit up, I immediately offered my hand for her to get support.

"You didn't leave?"

Ouch!

The smile that was painted on my face was suddenly gone, I tried so hard to put aside the pain that crept up my chest and shut my eyes hard before speaking.

"I just thought I'll wait and see how you feel after you rested, also..." I pointed at the tray that was on her side table.

"... figured you'd be hungry so I thought I'll make something for you..." 

"...I'll leave after you eat, don't worry." I continued.

"What? No, that's not what I m..." 

"Here, have some soup." I interrupted her and handed her the bowl. 

I had to stop her as I don't want her lying to herself. She didn't want me here, she thought I'll be gone once she wakes up.

That fucking hurts, somebody just shoot me now!

She hesitated at first but eventually accepted the bowl. I watched her scoop some and bring it to her mouth, she's done it a couple more times before handing it back to me.

I hand her some fruits and she accepted, she ate a couple and reached for the water.

"Do you still have a headache? Do you want me to get your meds?" I asked her.

"Yeah, a little bit. But no, I'll just sleep it off." 

I took from her the glass of water and was about to take the full tray when she grab my wrist.

"I didn't mean to say that, I was just... I was surprised to see you're still here." She said apologetic.

"Go back to sleep, Alex." I continued taking the tray, I left her closing the door behind me.

As soon as I was out of her room, I had to lean my back against her door, I guess for support as my knee felt weak. 

I had to shake my head multiple times before I went down the stairs, I cleaned a little bit in the kitchen and stared at the bread and the turkey I was preparing for my sandwich.

The hunger I felt earlier has gone away. 

I grabbed my purse and phone, I have to go back to the office basement to get my car.

I left Alex's house with a heavy heart. Even my feet were heavy.

She doesn't want you here, so move! I scolded myself.

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I was playing with the bubbles in my tub thinking of Alex. I don't want to cry anymore but that doesn't mean I can shut my mind thinking about her.

As soon as I reached home, I drew myself a bath thinking it would soothe me, in a way, it did. 

I laid my head on my arm that was on the edge of the tub and continued playing with the bubbles with my other hand.

I wondered what Alex would've talked to me about if she was well earlier. 

It probably had to do with what happened the other day when I confessed and she left me.

If I will base on her actions today and the past few days the outcome of that event, I would say, she would tell me she doesn't feel the same, that I should forget about us, anything and everything that happened between us meant nothing.

Dammit!

I have to prepare myself, maybe I need to hear it from her for me to move forward, for me to cut all hopes I have that there will be something building between us.

All of it was just in my head!

But how was it that when she kissed me, I could feel that she has feelings for me, when she looked at me, there was tenderness and there was... love? Whenever I was with Brian, I could feel that she was jealous or something. What was that all about?

Ughhhhh!

I'm going nuts.

Today, she didn't want me to stay at her house. Oh, the pain I felt when she mentioned my presence being still there, I felt millions of needles poking my chest repeatedly but then I had to stay cool so she wouldn't know I was dying inside.

I am known to be smart, everything was planned in my life, how did I let myself fall in love with Alex?  How did I let myself feel something towards another woman that doesn't feel the same way? 

How I wish it was Brian, then nothing would be complicated.

How I wish I could teach my heart to feel towards somebody else but Alex.

How I wish... She feels the same.

How I wish...

I broke into sobs as I couldn't hold it any longer. 

Here I am in my bathtub, crying like I've never felt pain and rejection in my life where it was the two things my own Mother made me feel ever since I can remember. 

I should be a pro at it, you know? These things shouldn't hurt me this much because I am used to it, I grew up with a person who literally rejected me. Why does it still hurt? Why do I still feel like it was new to me? Why?

I sighed in defeat as I have no idea how to answer my own questions.

I haven't had anything in my stomach but I don't feel hungry at all, I just wanted to close my eyes, rest my mind, my body, and soul. 

If only a certain brown-haired girl would leave my head alone.

After of what I think was an hour in the tub, I stood up, rinsed, and dried my hair. I feel so exhausted and weak.

It felt so good laying my back on my bed, getting my covers till my neck, and closing my eyes.

I was woken up by my alarm, my eyes still feel heavy as well as my body, I felt like I just closed my eyes for a minute.

I grabbed my phone, and adjusted my alarm as I don't have the will to go to the gym. I closed my eyes again to sleep for another hour.

The second time my alarm went off, I had to force myself to wake up, I want to go to the shelter, see the dogs and cats, they will surely make me feel a little bit better.

After I made my bed, I went to the bathroom, brush my teeth and washed my face, and before leaving, I grabbed a banana and ate it on the way.