Enigmatic Emotions

(xvi) A kiss & a sword

"You think your pain and your heartbreak
are unprecedented in the history of the world,
but then you read. It was books that taught met
hat the things that tormented me most were
the very things that connected me with all the
people who were alive, who had ever been alive."

-James Baldwin

He had to admit one thing; Joan was a much better driver than Hugh. She did not let her apparent dismay get in the way of her driving. The green car quietly hobbled along the road littered with potholes, which she skilfully dodged.

After a painfully long time, Joan broke the silence. "Have you at least found your notes on the logical systems?"

The inward swearing that followed provided an answer. Alan could see the folder before his mind's eye in the student's room. The drunken Pigou could now gloat at the sarcastic footnotes he had left, as they were clearly not going to return to collect the folder.

Joan stopped before an intersection, she manoeuvred the car to the far side of the road and pulled the handbrake abruptly. "I want you to give a sincere answer to my next question." Knowing that Alan was always honest, she did not wait for his promise. She asked almost the same question James had asked an hour ago. "Do you love that man?"

Alan could account for the fact that James had held him the way he did. He could say that James had a dire fear of the Nazis. While that was not a lie, withholding the truth seemed pointless. Especially when his lips were still tingling from their shared kiss.

"Yes." Again he gave the same answer, though the form of love differed. "There was a time when he was my whole world."

That time had passed. Now Joan would have to take his whole heart. He had hoped she still would.

Nervously, he tapped his ring against the leather upholstery of the seats. "He kissed me," Alan admitted, "and I let him. It won't happen again." He turned his gaze outside, to the leaves moved by the wind. He did not want to apologise for his actions, but he at least owed this to Joan.

When Alan turned his head back to the right, he was taken aback by her reaction. She smiled sadly and set the car back in motion. There was not an ounce of distaste in her brown eyes.

"I love you," he blurted out, "more than my own mother, more than Hugh or-"

"I know that, though not in the same way that I love you." Joan's eyes remained focused on the foggy road while he took in what she just said. "It doesn't bother me you know, without you my life would be loveless."

Alan's eyebrows crept closer together. Joan was a graceful young lady. He had once heard Hugh say she was attractive, not that he couldn't see it too. There were certainly better parties than him, yet she had said "yes" to his proposal.

"Men want a woman they can mould to their desires, a mindless housewife." She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, though the words sounded bitter. "But above all, I want the person so dear to me to be happy." She briefly removed her gaze from the road to look at him. "For once, listen to your heart instead of your overpowering brain. Are you? Happy?"

Alan looked at the stars emerging from between the trees. Somehow he felt he had disappointed Chris. He may have fulfilled his duty as a mathematician, but Chris mainly wanted him to be happy. With Joan, he would never rediscover true love; she had been a safe choice, one with certainties. The same was perhaps also true from her side.

Joan broke his silence. "Because I think you're lying to yourself. Just like me. I had hoped I could make you happy, but just now I saw a look in your eyes, one I don't often see. Your eyes sparkled. So please, do me a favour and think of what could make you happiest in your life."