Quirk: Read Outside the Lines

Age Versus Instagram

Dear Famous Fifty-Something Woman on Instagram (cough, cough--Paulina Porizkova),

I have to say subscribing to your Instagram feed has been a godsend. You weigh the realities of being a mature woman in a modern society like no one else. When you post to your 1.1 million followers about how you've become invisible, I'm dumbstruck by your vulnerability in front of such a large audience.

Can I say how enamored I am with that nude picture flaunting your perfect, supermodel body? The corresponding post about how aging helps you understand the concept of feeling unattractive is a page-turner. Still, it's hard to tear my eyes away from the artful portrait of you in front of the mirror in sexy lingerie. It leaves me breathless.

Rolls of stomach fat and hysterectomy scars do not allow me to replicate your picture, but I did recently squeeze into my "Someday I will be skinny skinny jeans." Can't button them yet, but they make it over my thighs. I'm feeling super hopeful that 2024 is my year.

I only wish you'd spend more time explaining your diet regimen. I attempt to eat healthy, but wine and sugar call me. Menopause (can I say that word in polite company) hasn't helped much. A few glasses of wine are the only thing holding the hot flashes at bay, even if my doctor insists they cause it all. The wine serves multiple purposes. Since I cannot jet away on an adventure like the ones you post, I use the wine to imagine I'm in Tuscany, enjoying the company of a younger man named Giovanni. I am eating pizza, and it is not gluten-free. My dessert is a cannoli, and no one tells me, "A minute on the lips, forever on the hips."

This reminds me, Famous Fifty-Something Woman on Instagram, of that recent important post with your fitness trainer. It's a true tragedy you got hurt on the movie set, but I see that hasn't stopped you from working out with your personal exercise guru. Keep up the good fight. I'm trying to do the same with my iFIT exercise app. There's even a new age range. It's fifty-five to one step closer to death with each ride. I try not to think too much about that. I'd rather focus on your toned arms and legs as I huff and puff, cranking the pedals on my exercise bike. You motivate so many older women to keep sweating in home gyms on our knock-off treadmills. Thank you.

I've thought to include some additional realities the not-so-famous fifty-something female crowd faces. Maybe you'll consider discussing them on your social media feed to celebrate all the older women who look and feel exactly like you do, or those, like me who don't but want to join the club. What about highlighting the perky teens behind the counter at Dunkin who give fifty-something sisters the senior discount without asking? I've had that experience on multiple occasions, and I don't even have my AARP card yet. While I realize you are probably too busy to go to Dunkin with that new movie role, it's important to point out that polite, considerate youth exist today and go above and beyond to serve the elderly.

Personally, I love walking into my doctor's appointment and having staff ask where my escort is. While I still drive at my ripe old age, I guess this is unexpected for someone pushing the half-century mark. A private car, if you have a spare, would not be frowned upon, and maybe if you post about the issue, we can create ride shares for anyone needing help.

There's also that sad assumption that as a woman of a certain age, understanding technology is not in the realm of reasonable expectations. "Can you get your husband to help with it?" has become a common refrain when I have questions about my cell phone. You have Instagram. Obviously, technology is not a problem for you, but maybe other women could use a refresher on being social media and tech-savvy in the hopes of gaining a few friends on Facebook or MySpace.

And don't you think it is important to address the rumors that older divorced or widowed women are either incompetent, invisible, spinsters, or own 20 cats? There is even an article, "The Invisibility of Older Women," published in the Atlantic. I personally prefer dogs and only have five. Famous Fifty-Something Woman on Instagram, your social media seems devoid of a pet presence. I'm not complaining, but is that the message you want to send to your followers?

Does this happen to you? Every time a trip to the dentist occurs, there's a conversation on the state of the old silver fillings consuming my teeth. It is a truth universally acknowledged that every woman in possession of silver fillings must be in want of a crown. I'm sure your perfect smile is natural, and you've never endured any need for cosmetic surgery, but in support of the rest of us, I'd love to see a picture of you in the dentist's chair.

In closing, I hope these suggestions are helpful and expand your repertoire when discussing the realities of being a mature woman. Continue the war cry against the delightful phrase, "woman of a certain age." It is often tossed around as if the connotations are positive, while perimenopausal and post-menopausal are derogatory terms never to see the light of day.

Once again, Famous Fifty-Something Woman on Instagram (cough, cough--Paulina Porizkova), thanks for being my favorite middle-aged social media companion.