Roses In Death

Note #3 (Right Now)

I saw myself staying, for I understood that I'd be a wanderer in such foggy plains without you. I had desires so strong for a shadowed man, but they could never force adultery out of me if they tried. I knew that if he was closer to me then I would be clinging to his neck, but he isn't, so you must do. You were so intelligent and such a high achiever, that I was scared beyond belief to leave, for I saw nothing in a life without you.

*

I left you a few days after writing that, and now I've started on a novella that symbolizes our tragedy. I wish it didn't end in the flames that it did, but you struck the match, so I had no choice but to throw the gasoline. The way you showed up to my house after I told you not to, it scared me, and my parents' fake hospitality and respect towards you infuriated me, as it was them that wanted you out of my life, yet they opened the door and allowed you so close to my resting body. The excuse was that you wanted your things back even though you brought nothing of mine, you just wanted to see me, but no meant no and I should've known you wouldn't understand that. I'm usually a calm person, but that night I was so far gone from calm that I spent the night screaming into the pillow, forgetting that sleep wasn't something that would just hit me, but that a certain calmness was required.

I heard what you told my mother, another lie- I was sick of being in the presence of anything but the truth. Your lies were not always little crumbs of nonsense that would bore me and conjure up a fake smile, but some were evil boulders, leaving me to collapse wherever I stood at the news you told... I believed these because I didn't deem a human being capable of holding such evil. I shouted from the top of the stairs, exposing your twisted nature. Even though I was so uncomfortable, I wanted him to comprehend how much of him I knew and how well I was able to hide it, I wanted that to sit with you for the rest of your life, that underlying insecurity where somebody has slipped under your skin but you don't know who or how much they know. After this, I departed to my bedroom, little did I know that you still had another ounce of evil left to share. My mother told me what you told her afterwards, in your panicking state of being found out, I wasn't planning on writing this, but I couldn't speak around it, you told her that I had taken advantage of you, on a previous night when we were drunk at my friend's house. When I heard this I broke down and felt tightening creases in my lungs, obviously my parents didn't believe it because of who said it and the manner it was done in. Your last-ditch effort to try and cause some pain had worked, not because my mother, who you had sneakily turned and lied to had believed it, or my father who overheard and instantly caught the notion of what you was trying to do, but through me. Me who's been through too many things of the sort, that had to relive so many moments that I had originally dissociated my way through. Alone, and struggling to catch my breath at the dining table... wondering why when you spoke such an untruth, and how it blessed your mouth yet when I've tried to speak about the actual truth it turns into a poison that must be swallowed- never to be mentioned again. Your words must've been prettier than mine to be used so easily in an act of lying revenge. What an evil and spiteful tongue, leaving me there gasping for air, playing what seemed like an inescapable snuff film over and over in my head.