Not a Flower - A Novel

Chapter 8

The next morning sitting on her bed and staring at her open suitcase, Grace tried to get the energy to start packing. But she felt exhausted from a restless night with little sleep due to all the mental and emotional cartwheels going on in her brain. What she had told Duval had rung a hard note of truth inside her. If she were to deeply analyze herself, she could see that along with love for him was a rather toxic combination of resentment, anger, fear and loss. Even if Duval were a free man to pursue now, she wasn't sure that she would do it. Her feelings for Duval were too tied up with the past. Being forced to examine it now, Grace knew she had always been too afraid to look at her feelings for him too closely in fear that she might crumple under the pain of loving an unreachable man. Now she wondered if she had been braver sooner—if she would have reached this same conclusion years ago.

Grace decided to do her packing later. She could figure out which hotel she should reserve at that time too. There was an uncomfortable feeling that filled her at the thought of remaining any longer at Castle La Mer. Despite her best intentions, she still had confessed her love to a man who was about to get married to another woman.

Cringing, Grace decided to head to town to do some shopping. Beth was available to drive her and she enjoyed spending the next few hours alone shopping and sightseeing. It was good to leave the house and the dark feelings inside of her. Whether she wanted to or not, last night she had become the other woman. Adrian might laugh at that but she felt pretty crappy.

When she returned back to La Mer, Jack told her that Duval and Vivian had gone to meet their wedding planner and Adrian had disappeared into his room since morning to handle some phone calls.

She breathed a sigh of relief and went into her room. She wasn't up to facing people right now. Her things didn't take long to pack. Less then an hour later, she had found and made reservations at a hotel in Wales, only about thirty minutes from Castle La Mer. With her flight out of London not scheduled for another week, she would spend the rest of her vacation actually having a vacation.

For a moment, a pang of bittersweet sadness filled her.

But then it passed. Grace stood in her room and wondered at herself. It had been the right thing to do to come to England. She had been an incomplete person before, unable to be happy because she had been holding on to the past so tightly. Now she was tentatively looking forward to the future.

She had a good career, friends and a decent head on her shoulders. The next step beckoned her.

She wanted a family of her own. Duval was willing to marry a woman he didn't love in order to attain that dream. On the other hand, he seemed plenty attracted to Vivian and so maybe love might come with time. The point was, she could do the same. Find a man she at least liked and have a comfortable life together. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she might even fall in love.

Grace cut short that train of thought and abruptly stood up.

Falling in love held old terrors that she wasn't ready to face yet. Her newfound freedom was too fragile and precious. Opening herself up to that vulnerability again made her wary. She could even now understand why Duval would chose to marry someone he didn't love. After losing Elizabeth, how could he ever trust in love again?

She only wished for him to be happy. Duval deserved it and she hoped he would find it.

The sound of rumbling from the sky made her glance up. The atmosphere was getting slightly cooler and more charged. Brushing her hair back from her face, she left her room and started towards the library. Once one of her favorite rooms, she had loved spending rainy afternoons pouring over old books while Elizabeth and Duval played chess or argued about politics and current affairs. And when she was there alone, she would pretend that she was the owner of the magnificent home.