I Want To Break Free ❤ Harry Styles Fanfiction

Chapter 31

“You're not going to let this go, are you?”

“No, why would I? You've already told me too much, you can't stop here.”

“Harry, I don't know if I can. It's just hard to tell someone something like this.”

“Amber, please tell me. I want to help you.” We sat on his bed, Harry in front of me, gently holding my hands. I understand that he wants to know, because he'd seen the messages from the rapist, and he knew that something was really wrong.

“How am I supposed to help you when you're not telling me things? Amber I love you, I don't want you to feel like this. I just wish you could trust me enough to...”

“I got raped.”

The word seemed so horrible on my mouth. I just said it, without thinking. He was pushing me, and maybe that was what he had to do. I looked down, feeling ashamed. Tears started to build up in my eyes, but I held myself together and managed to push the them away. Harry was shocked, obviously, but I couldn't help but feel like he'd had those suspicions since the last time we talked about it. It should at least have crossed his mind, since I had told him that the man hurt me and came to me on my way home from the library.

He took my hands, and pulled me closer to his chest.

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered as he stroke my hair and slowly rocked from side to side. I didn't answer him, I didn't really know what to say.

“It all makes sense now,” he added after a while.

“What?”

“How you sometimes get tensed when I touch you on certain spots.” I looked up at him.

“I do?” He slowly nodded with a small smile, just to make sure that he wasn't angry. But he looked a bit sad, or maybe disappointed should be a better word.

“I used to think that I did something wrong, but now I know why you act like that.” I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek.

“Harry, I love you. I don't think you could make me uncomfortable even if you tried. I love the way you touch me,” my cheeks blushed really hard, but I kept on with my small speech.

“It's just that certain things in my life reminds me of that night. It doesn't have to be your touches, it could be anything. And it'll probably be like that for a very long time, until I can move on from all of that. I don't know, maybe it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.” He didn't say anything, just looked me deeply in the eyes.

“So, you're saying that I won't be able to touch you like that for the rest of your life? You'll never let me touch you the way I want to?” I frowned.

“What?”

“Amber, I want to show you that I love you too, not just say it.” I looked a him with suspiciouseyes, and blushed extremely when I realized what he talked about. I used to be a virgin, but I lost it with a guy who threatened me when I didn't obey him. The rapist was my first time.

“Well, maybe it'll get better. I hope so.”

Harry drove me home. I had a feeling that it would be one of those awkward car rides, where no one said anything.

“You're very quiet,” I gently said and looked at him.

“So are you,” he said back and smiled a small smile. I slowly nodded. I couldn't help but feel like there was something that bothered him. Maybe he was shocked, I mean, I understand that. But he seemed too calm for that.

“I'm sorry,” I said and looked back at the road. Harry quickly turned his head and looked at me.

“For what?”

“For not telling you earlier. I should've told you as soon as I had the chance.”

“Amber, it's okay. I understand.”

“Do you really? Because it feels like you're angry or something.” Before I knew it, he had stopped the car next to the road on a small entrance. He turned his whole body to me and looked at me. My heart started to beat pretty fast.

“I'm not angry,” he took my hands.

“It's just a lot to take in right now.”

“You know, Harry, this is exactly what I was afraid of. That you would take distance from me after I told you the truth. I can't make it undone, believe me, I would if I could because I'm the one that suffer the most. I've been so afraid that you'd start to drift away from me, because you think I'm some sort of freak. I got raped Harry. I understand that it scares you, and that you don't want to be with someone that has all that baggage and all the problems that comes with it.”

“Hold on! Do you seriously think that? Amber, you do have problems with realizing what “I love you” means. It doesn't matter that you got raped, it wasn't your fault. It's nothing you can control. I'm not taking distance from you, I have no plans what so ever on doing that either. But you have to understand that it's shocking for me to hear this, and that I need some time to let it sink in before I can help you. Because that's what I want to do now, help you.” I could feel my eyes hurt again. I looked away from him and let out a big sigh.

“Dad! I'm home!” I called as I entered my flat.

“Why don't you lock the door? You need to do that in case someone would just burst in,” I said as I kicked off my shoes and put my jacket on a hanger.

“Sorry!” Dad called back. I slowly walked towards the kitchen, following a scent that made my stomach growl. I found my dad next to the stove. Cooking.

“What are you doing?” I asked a bit surprised.

“Making us dinner! You must be hungry. How did the game go?” I frowned, not used to see him like that.

“Since when do you cook?” I asked.

“Well, it's clear that you haven't seen me in a while,” he smiled as he placed two plates on the table. I just followed him with my gaze and turned my head as he walked around my kitchen.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

The dinner tasted really good. It was apparently something that Caroline had taught him to do, so I guess I should give her the credit. It was so good that no one said anything, we just kept filling our mouths.

“How are you feeling?” dad asked. I looked up at him from my plate with pasta.

“What?”

“About grandma.” I slowly nodded as I sucked in the last spaghetti.

“Well, it's fine. I'm surprised that I'm actually sitting here, not sobbing. I mean, it's not that I don't miss her, it's just that I don't feel like crying.” I said and drank some of my water, hoping that he would understand me.

“Is that weird?” I quickly added. A small smile took place on his lips as he slowly shook his head.

“No, no honey it's not. It means that you're a big girl now, and not the little girl I used to tickle and rock until she fell asleep.” I gently placed my hand on top of his.

“I'll always be your little girl. I'm still me dad. I'm right here.” 

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