The Art of Faking Straight

Chapter Twenty-three

         “What the actual fuck?”

         I take a deep breath before answering Kyle. I should have expected he would be livid, even if he personally has no reason to be. To be honest, I don’t even see how this directly affects him. But maybe he’s afraid he’ll be teased, which I guess he very well could be, but I doubt it. Then again, middle-schoolers can be punitive.

         “Watch your mouth,” I say halfheartedly. I honestly don’t expect him to listen to me or anything. After all, I’m supposed to be the person he looks up to and wants to be like, but how can he look up to me now?

         “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” he says. He’s pacing and has been ever since I told him.  I’ve never understood the point of pacing, it’s not like it’ll solve your problems. Yet, he simply walks from one side of his bedroom to the other side continuously.

         “I’m not.”

         “Are you sure? Like really really sure?”

         I just nod.  Despite it all, I know that I’m eventually going to be glad to have told Kyle. Whether or not he accepts it, it’s simply nice to know I finally told someone in my family about my sexuality. I’m breaking the barrier between us slowly, but surely.

          At first (even after agreeing with Connor to ‘come out together’) I realized that I couldn’t do it, or at least didn’t believe I could. Telling someone else about my sexuality just seemed stupid; pointless. What’s the point of it? It’s not like my cousins come home and tell their parents ‘Mom, Dad, I’m heterosexual’ now do they? So I thought, why must gays make a big deal about telling their family? Why can’t I just let them figure it out for themselves? That’s when I realized that I need to be the good son and prepare them. Even if I’m okay with it, they’ll need time to adjust.

         He doesn’t say anything for a long time. I can’t take the silence anymore and move to go sit down on his bed, silently praying he won’t freak out over that too. I know what he’s thinking, but I’m really not ashamed. I thought I would be, but now that I think about it, I have no real reason to be.

         “So you’re actually…like…gay?” he asks again, his voice breaking on the last word. He’s now stopped pacing and is now staring at me directly in the eyes. He looks so lost and broken, and I can’t help but wonder when I stopped noticing my brother enough to let him seep into whatever this is. I know I’m not the cause of it, so what could be?

         No regrets.  No regrets. No regrets.

         “Yeah, I’m actually gay, Kyle.”

         “Since when?”

         I’m quiet for a moment because I have no idea how to answer him, heck, I don’t even know the answer. I’m not really sure when I first realized I was gay. I mean I’ve always somehow known, but I can’t really remember when I first actually realized what it all meant. 

         “Since forever, I guess,” I answer eventually. “I didn’t have an epiphany one day and decide it, I guess it was always decided for me. It’s just…how I am.”

         He doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring at me with those eyes and I begin to feel as if he can see directly into my soul with them.

         “And I know, I know that I’m going to Hell and that I’m an abomination and all that other shit people are always saying so please, just save it, Kyle.” I don’t know if Kyle’s vastly religious or not, but I just assume he holds some sort of belief and usually religion has a strong standing point on homosexuality. I’ve prepared myself enough (or as much as I can) to handle whatever he throws at me, I hope.

         He doesn’t say anything. He just walks towards the bed and then plops down right beside me almost as if he’s suddenly lost the ability to talk. “I wasn’t going to preach,” he says softly. “I promise I wasn’t.”

         “Then why is this such a big deal to you?” I ask. Upon hearing myself, I realize I sound imprudent and silently promise myself not to treat Kyle any different even if he is disgusted with me. 

         “’Cause,” he starts to say, but then pauses looking away from me for a moment before returning his gaze to mine, “I think I might be gay too.”