I have voices, in my head, they are talking, known only by letter, about a life I might once have had. I don't want them to stop. Not until they show me the way.
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B. So, under the peak amount of stress, back against the wall, broke, no job, you got a family to support, credit shot, creditors all over you every day, in the midst of that chaos, that is where you found calm.
A. Yep.
B. How?
A. Well, at first, it pissed me off. That I had to go there to find calm. Because, and I knew this all along, that, that I needed, I need the chaos. And by the way, chaos doesn't have to be bad stuff. Chaos means a lot of stuff, maybe a lot of it not even under your own control. Just a lot of stuff to keep the neurons firing and the dopamine flowing...
B. I get that...
A. You should. It's why you are you. I was pissed because I didn't want it, the chaos. I wanted to be "normal". But I was forcing the normal. Cause I was told that was me. But it's not. Because I'm not. Normal makes me miserable. I come alive when the shit is hitting the fan.
B. So you made the shit hit the fan?
A. Essentially, yes. Eventually. Subconsciously. I didn't want that either, I thought. I wanted normality. I aspired to be an average guy. But as soon as I got there, mostly average, to where I was just enough above average to feel kind of successful, I would get bored, sometimes long before even achieving stability. I'd get bored. Then, no matter how unworried I could be in my average, stable existance, I became angry at that placid life. Because in order to maintain my average existence I had to do all of this other nonsense to keep it going. Nonsense which was fine, appealing, even enjoyable temporarily. But eventually, quickly from the perspective of observers, I wanted to jump.
B. So why not become successful, like you are now, sooner? I mean, now, if you had this success then, you could have controlled the chaos. Have chaos whenever you want, make as much chaos as you want, and since you are wealthy, you never have to get bored. Take it down a massive degree for a year. Bring it way up the next.
A. For sure. That would have been great. And that is more difficult to explain because I couldn' make it happen, even though I could see it, envision that life, with that control. It was right there. An arm's length away, almost within my grasp. But every time I reached for it, it seemed to move away. So, like a girl that you love at a distance, that maybe you have a couple of dates with, that maybe you even got a little intimate with, but that's all she granted you, not the full ride, the love, the commitment, the intimacy. Like that, I could see the success, I could envision it occurring, I could feel the thrill, the satisfaction, the relief....but I couldn't grab it. I should have been able to. But I couldn't. It was there. Like she had been. But I couldn't make it happen. I couldn't figure it out.
B. Yeah...
A. And I got so close, which explains some of the chaos, and the decision making which my "normal" friends and family couldn't understand at all at the yime. But it was like I, keeping up the woman analogy, it's like I went to dinner and a show. Had the best time ever. Finally got to be with her. It was perfect. I was in love. She even stayed over. I thought it was real. It was happening. So I moved forward. Like the girl, I thought I had it. Had figured it out. So, I made decisions which fucked me up professionally and financially. And I looked foolish, immature, selfish, irresponsible, for a long time. Because they couldn't see what I saw. I kept thinking now, today, this is it...but it wasn't. It never was. I thought too sometimes that it would never be. That they were right. That it was not to be.
