G - "So, where do you think the trouble started?"
A - "Started? Hell, started at the start. But this persistent nonsense? I think, for no good reason, it was the day I challenged him."
G - "Him. Your father?"
A - "No. But I guess in a way that's what I was really doing. But not him, HIM. Your counterpart. The flaming guy. Eternal damnation. You know."
G - "Yes. But what did you do?"
A - "Shouldn't you know this?"
G - "Yes, I do. But it doesn't help you if I say what happened. You'll only get beyond it if you do. It's like studying in school, you retain more information when you rewrite something than if you reread it. If I say it, no biggie. You'll just nod and agree. If you say it you'll relive it, and then, if you relive it, maybe, possibly,you can move beyond it. Cleanse yourself. You know, realize that it only persists because you allow it to, not because he put a curse on you. If you think about it, you conjured the spell. You have kept it alive. So, what happened?"
A - "Well, I was hanging out with friends, I was 21 years-old or so, and we were doing nothing, had dinner at the house they were renting, drinking a little, smoking a little weed maybe, and I was doing my thing, talking shit, big mouth, boastful demeanor, and, honestly I don't recall exactly what prompted me, or exactly what I said, but I declared him inept, laughed at his power, and challenged him to ruin me."
G - "And he did?"
A - "I don't know. I didn't focus on that day, the comments, for years. Forgot about it but, many, many years later, when I was in a not particularly religious frame of mind, it came back to me spontaneously, it hit me like a baseball bat to the face. I did it. I issued the challenge. And I apparently have been suffering for decades because of that."
G - "You really believe that?"
A - "Yes. No. Not sure. Probably no."
G - "Why no?"
A - "Because, devil or no devil, god or no god, I think I did it to myself."
G - "How?"
A - "By repeatedly screwing myself over by not ding the right things. In school, at work, in relationships....Always fucking things up. Not because I was incapable, but because I was making sure I didn't get what I thought I didn't deserve."
G - "Sounds a little trite."
A - "Now you're mocking me?"
G - "No. Not at all. I just mean that it took you this long to realize it?"
A - "No. I've known all along. It just became who I am. Was. It became a habit. I was habitually doing things wrong, subconsciously intentionally, and in a perverse way it felt right. It became the way, my way. And I knew it but could not find the way to the right way."
G - "Makes sense. So, admitting this to me now, how do you feel?"
A - "The same."
G - "So, tomorrow just another day?"
A - "Don't know."
G - "You're going to pray more. Beg for help."
A - "Maybe. Hasn't helped yet."
G - "You sure about that?"
A - "No. That's more difficult to answer. Could have been worse. Still can. How do I know?"
G - "Here's a safe assumption. It can always get worse. You can always make it better. The choice is yours."
A - "So, no magic pill? No waking up tomorrow and everything is fine? The past erased, the future glorious?"
G - "No. Past never erased. Future can be glorious. Your choice."
A - "You won't help?"
G - "I always help. You just don't realize it. You have to pay closer attention to the good to see the good. Focus on the bad and everything seems bad. Just like that day so long ago. You said it. You did it to yourself. It's time to move on."
A - "Shit. You just won't make it easy, will you?"
G - "Nope. Can't. It's against the rules."
A - "Why? Why the suffering? Why the difficulties? What rules do you follow?"
G - "Can't tell. Sorry. Family secret."
YOU ARE READING
Conversations with...
General FictionI have voices, in my head, they are talking, known only by letter, about a life I might once have had. I don't want them to stop. Not until they show me the way.
