Peter's Little Peter

Nut Punch Fallout

I spend the next few hours in Principal Boone's office, where a procession of administrators tell me that I'm lucky school staff got to me first. 

"If we hadn't gotten to you first," one state-licensed dipshit tells me, "the entire football team would be using your butt for field goal practice right now."

I don't respond to these comments, because what is there to say when an adult promises you that the kids they're supposed to supervise and educate will inevitably beat the living shit out of you? Besides, there's no winning these people over. I punched the star quarterback in the nuts, and according to Principal Boone, I may have cost the team their season. Here in Texas, he tells me, "that's a hanging offense."

Still, I can't figure out how a nut punch could ruin the whole season. I mean, I'm sure Nick is in a lot of pain right now, but did my fist really do that much damage?

As it turns out, yes. Because while I'm waiting for my Dad to come pick me up, Principal Boone tells me that they've rushed Nick into surgery at the local hospital.

"Hopefully, they can save his... um...." 

Principal Boone struggles for the appropriate word.

"Testicles," I say.

Principal Boone turns bright red, and in that instant I realize that he's the dipshit who assigned Coach Krieger to teach us sex-ed. I can't be sure, but he's also probably the dipshit who thought it would be a good idea for us to pair off, boys and girls, in order to learn how to put condoms on bananas. Something tells me that Principal Boone doesn't know how to put a condom on, or eat a banana for that matter.

"You know, Peter, you're in very serious trouble," Principal Boone says. "I was going to wait until your father got here to say this, but I think you should know that you might be expelled from this school. We've certainly expelled kids for less. A lot less."

For the first time in a long time, my heart fills with hope. If I had known that all I had to do to get out of this place was punch Nick Spears in the nuts, I would've done it a long time ago. 

"This isn't a laughing matter, Peter."

I guess all that hope in my heart overflowed to my face and turned into a smile. So, I try to force me face into a neutral position. But inside, I'm giddy. I've done it. I found my way out of this hell. With any luck, I'll never see this place again after today. 

"You injured another student," he says. "We have a zero tolerance policy for that kind of stuff."

"You mean violence? Bullying?"

"Yes, all of it. Zero tolerance, Peter. Zero."

The idea of this school's zero tolerance policy feels like a sick joke. In fact, John Wayne High School tolerates and encourages bullying and violence, as long as the cool kids are the ones doing it to the rejects. But when people like me fight back, dipshits like Principal Boone lose their minds. My English teacher, Mrs. Velasco, said my latest essay demonstrated an intermediate understanding of irony, and so I feel confident calling this entire experience, one in which the victim is blamed for hurting his bully, Kafkaesque.

"Kafkaesque," Principal Boone snaps. "What kind of thing is that to say?"

"The educated thing," I reply. "I learned it in Mrs. Velasco's class."

Principal Boone looks annoyed. I get the feeling that if it were up to him, this school wouldn't have teachers like Mrs. Velasco, because teachers like Mrs. Velasco use big words that dipshits like Principal Boone don't understand. And while that surely stings Principal's Boone's ego, the real threat is that his beloved football team needs to learn those big words before they can take the field to sacrifice their brain cells in the pursuit of pigskin glory.

"Peter, this state banned corporal punishment a while back, but let me tell you something: you're exactly the kind of kid that could use a spanking."

Well, I think, at least Nick Spears and the other jocks come by their bullying honestly. With dipshits like Coach Krieger and Principal Boone in charge, I'm not sure Nick Spears and his teammates ever had a chance to be anything other than bullies. But I don't care anymore. As soon as my father gets here, I'm a free man.

"Now, what is taking your father so long to get here, Peter? We called his office more than three hours ago."

"He's probably in court," I say. 

"He's a lawyer?"

"Yes."

Principal Boone frowns, then spins on his heels, and walks out of the room. An hour later, when my father arrives to get me, I understand why the mention of my father's profession caused Principal Boone to leave me alone. 

The minute Principal Boone mentions expulsion, my father says lawsuit. And that's when my heart sinks. Because while I don't get to spend a lot of time with my father, I know that he's a very good lawyer. Which means my chances of getting thrown out of this dipshit academy have gone from great to zero in the blink of an eye. Because my father is about to launch a Texas-sized lawsuit to keep in this school, where the authority figures hate me, the kids tease me, and if the administrators are to be believed, the football team plans to kick my ass.  

🙌Thank you for reading!📖

Sounds like things are getting worse for Peter. Any advice for him?🗣

Principal Boone seems like a real piece of work. Did you like your high school principal?👂

Does anyone feel bad for Nick? If so, leave him some get well emojis. 🚑💐🍫

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