Peter's Little Peter

Dick Doc

I wake up to see Elroy standing over me. There's a terrified look on his face, as if he's looking at something that he'll never unsee.

"My dick," I scream.

"Yeah, it looks pretty messed up."

There's an echo of pain where my dick is, but mostly it feels numb. I look down at my crotch and see that the Extender 2 is right where I left it.

"Get that thing off my dick!" I shout.

"I tried," Elroy says. "It's stuck."

Elroy rips the sheet off my bed and says, "Come on, I know someone who can fix this. But we have to hurry."

So, Elroy helps me up and I wrap myself in my bed sheet, which features a picture of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

It's not easy crab-walking to Elroy's SUV, what with the sheet around my lower body and the Extender 2 clamped around my dick, but somehow I manage.

A second later, I'm in Elroy's SUV and we're speeding down the road toward...

"Where are we going?" I ask. "A hospital will call my parents."

"I know someone," Elroy says. "Don't worry."

Don't worry!? My entire existence is worrying. The only difference is that up until about an hour ago, I was worried that I'd never have a big enough penis. Now, my only worry is whether or not I'll have a penis at all.

As it turns out, Elroy's someone is about fifteen minutes away. I probably pass out a few times, because I don't remember everything. But somehow I end up on a futon inside an apartment.

Against one wall of the apartment is a bookcase built out of cinder blocks and wooden boards. Against the other wall is a recliner chair that looks like someone pulled it out of a dumpster. Standing in the center of the room is a pretty woman wearing yoga pants and a University of Texas t-shirt.

"This is my sister, Judy," Elroy says. "She's a doctor."

"Med student," Judy corrects.

"Can you save his penis, or not, Judy?"

Suddenly, Judy whirls around and points her finger in Elroy's face. 

"Listen up, Elroy, the only reason I'm not telling Mom and Dad is because you covered for me last Christmas," she says. "But our circle of trust doesn't extend to the authorities. And whatever sisterly favors you think I owe you don't include fixing your friend's broken dick. You can't just show up unannounced. I could've had a friend here."

"She means a woman," Elroy says in my direction. "Judy is a lesbian. Except Mom and Dad don't know. They still think she's going to marry Spencer Cogswell."

Both Elroy and Judy shudder at the mention of Spencer Cogswell - whoever he is.

"There," Elroy says. "Now, Peter is part of the circle of trust. Which means, you have to fix is dick."

Judy grumbles about families being stupid as she walks over to the bookshelf and fetches a black doctor's bag.

"I'll do what I can," Judy says. "But if I think he needs to go the emergency room, we're taking him. No questions, no arguments. The first rule of medicine is do no harm."

"I thought it was don't talk about medicine," Elroy says.

"No, that's Fight Club."

Judy stands over me and looks down at the sheet. 

"You mind if we lose Captain Kirk?" she asks.

"Who?" I groan.

"Whatever," she says. "I was never a big Star Trek fan anyway."