A Sky Full of Blue

Chapter 20: Chocolate is the Color of the Mud

"You'll never know what you can do until you stop being nervous and allow yourself to try." ~Pharrell Williams

The wind whips my hair around as I make my way to the soccer field. Saturday practices are the days that I usually stay home to relax, to sketch in the bayside book. Instead I decided last night that I need to brush up on my soccer skills.

At some point Theo or Toby are going to ask me if I can help. I need to be prepared.

I notice the boys stretching on the field, but I also notice the bite of cold. I wrap my arms around myself to keep some of it away. I have the maroon sweatshirt on, and although it is large and very warm, it does nothing against the chill factor of late October.

Some of the boys hoot as they do their laps, and others are trying to focus on keeping their breathing regular. Coach is running them harder than I expected, but I'm sure he's doing it to get them in shape.

I feel eyes on me and Nelson stands behind me, running a hand through his hair. I didn't know that he'd be here on a Saturday.

He sits next to me on the bench, watching the boys as they run.

"Sometimes I wish that I could try out for a team like that. Be a part of something." I turn my head to him.

"Then why don't you? I think they'd accept you." His breath puffs out in a little cloud in front of himself. He takes his time thinking, rocking his legs back and forth.

Nathan waves from on the field and I wave back. I see the deep scowl on Theo's face before he goes around a turn. I smile at him, keeping my eyes anywhere but at his face. I feel uncomfortable giving eye contact with Nelson here.

"I have a hard time being around that many people. I'm more of a reserved guy." I don't know what to say to that. He fills the space with his own voice, and I don't mind sitting there to listen.

"I just wish that I could do something that doesn't make me feel worthless." I nod my head and turn to him. My eyes don't meet his and my fingers tap on my thigh.

"I used to play soccer. It made me feel something that I haven't felt in a long time." I don't tell him the memories that come with it, too afraid that he'll shy away from me.

I watch as the boys run drill after drill, kicking the ball as hard as they can into the goal, running at full speed to catch the offense before they can get the ball into the net.

I notice how Theo throws his whole body into the sport, succumbing to anything that is thrown at him. I close my eyes and try to imagine what it'd be like to feel that again, having the control to put my body in those types of situations again.

Before the breakdowns and episodes became too much to handle.

I rub at my scars, feeling the raised skin against my fingers. I can feel Nelson's stare, but I don't return the look. I'm too busy in my own thoughts to speak.

"What was that with Nita? Saying that you've been through it before? That you tried to too?" He's asking way too many questions. I pull myself up from the bench, feeling the chill of the wind. I turn my head so that the brunt of it hits my hair.

I offer a hand to Nelson, waiting for him to take it. He looks down to it before taking his in my own.

I walk to the field, asking Coach if I can borrow a spare ball if he has one. He tosses it to me and I catch it, feeling the hexagonal bumps against my fingers. I twist it in my hands, feeling the residue from the dirt hit my palms.

"I can teach you a few things if you'd like. You may not get to play, but you'll get a taste of what it's like." He smiles at me in an odd way, and I turn my head away.