Dead Poets Society Preferences + Imagines

Gone- Neil Perry {1}

Trigger Warnings- suicide

Tonight was the night of Neil's first ever show- A Midsummer Night's Dream. He had left earlier that day to do a run through with the other performers and now I was panicking about what to wear.

"Charlie?! Charlie can you please come help me?" I summoned my best friend into the room and held up two dresses for him to choose from. One was red and strapless with a flowing skirt down to my knee. The other was a floor-length, navy dress with a slit up to the knee. If Mr Nolan saw me in either of these (or let alone knew I owned them) he would probably put me in detention for the rest of the year. As the only girl at Welton, I was expected to dress like a nun in training.

"Well, I think they're both nice" Charlie answered whilst checking his watch. Boys had it so easy. Most of them only had one suit in their wardrobe and all they had to do was brush their hair to be considered presentable.

"You might want to hurry up, we have to leave in 10 minutes" Charlie excused himself from the room and now I was left alone again. Luckily I'd done my hair and makeup first because I knew my outfit would cause a fuss. In the end, I decided on the navy dress. It was snowing outside after all and I didn't want to contract a cold.

"Finally" Charlie rolled his eyes jokingly as I rushed down the stairs, almost tripping over my dress multiple times. Before I'd left the room, I grabbed my faux fur black coat just to be extra careful in this weather.

"Gentleman, and lady, lets go" Mr Keating escorted us outside and to the waiting car and it wasn't until we set off that I realised that Knox was nowhere to be seen. I had a sneaking suspicion that Chris had something to do with this...

The auditorium was bustling with people and I couldn't wait to see Neil up on that stage. Once we'd all been seated, the lights started to dim and the curtains rose up. Neil emerged from the background and caught my eye, his lips rose in a half smile but he remained in character.

His performance as Puck was encapsulating. At the end of the show I felt like standing up and shouting 'That's my boyfriend! Aren't I the luckiest girl in the world?'. The crowd erupted into a standing ovation and Neil looked so delighted. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I was so proud of him, I just wanted to squeeze him and tell him how amazing he is over and over again.

"Let's wait for him outside" Mr Keating advised and we followed him outside into the snow-filled air. On my way out, I spotted Neil's father and an uncomfortable feeling settled into my stomach. I tried to suppress it because this evening had been so perfect but his father never failed to cause me some nerves.

Most of the people had left by the time Neil had come out of the auditorium, he had a deflated expression and I couldn't help but notice the anger practically radiating off of his father.

"Neil you were wonderful" Mr Keating put his hands on his shoulders but was quickly dismissed by Mr Perry who made a few spiteful comments at him which were totally unnecessary.

"Neil, you were brilliant up there. I am so proud of you" I whispered to him whilst His father was still being rude to Mr Keating.

The shine that was usually in Neil's eye was gone and my heart sank. What had happened to make him like this? A smile formed on his face and he pulled me into a hug.

"Whatever happens, you know I'll always love you. Don't forget that Y/N, ok?" Neil whispered and pulled me in even tighter to his body. Our bodies were so close I felt like we were fused as one person.

"I love you too Neil" I kissed him on the cheek, anxious butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. Why was Neil speaking like this? Perhaps the adrenaline of performing had worn off and he'd be in a better mood tomorrow. Or perhaps his father had really upset him this time.

"Neil, get in the car. And you-" Mr Perry pointed a sharp finger in my direction "leave my son alone. He's had enough distractions this year and you're one of them".

"I love you. Always" Neil kissed me, his lips pushed hard against mine as if it was the last time we'd ever get a moment like this. His father's comment had deeply disturbed me, he was a cruel man.

The car drove off into the distance and the atmosphere had turned from excitement to tension. None of us said a word the whole way back to Welton and we all trailed back to our rooms in a daze.

The room around me had a strange familiarity to it. I hadn't been here before but yet I knew this place. Neil was stood at the window in just his pyjama bottoms, the flakes of snow were drifting in and creating a halo of white on Puck's wreath.

"Neil?" I said but he couldn't hear me. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder but he didn't react. Something about this wasn't feeling right.

Slowly, Neil made his way out of the room, leaving his door slightly ajar. Curiously, I followed him down the corridor to a set of stairs. We entered a study that must've belonged to his father and I stood by the door as Neil went over to the desk. His eyes were glassed over, emotionless and unreadable.

From one of the drawers, Neil found what he was searching for and seemed to stare at it for a while, weighing it up in his hand. From where I was standing I couldn't see what it was; I had some ideas but they were too awful to even comprehend.

The moonlight protruding through the slit in the curtains glinted off the object as Neil raised it to his temple. It was a gun. With a scream escaping from my lips, I rushed over and tried to take the gun out of his hands but I couldn't. I was like a ghost in this horrendous nightmare.

"Y/N, I love you and I'm sorry" a few tears escapees from Neil's eyes as he said this, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. With the pull of the trigger, he was gone.

Neil's body fell limp on the floor, the smoking gun still in his grasp. Screams and cries emanated from my mouth, I hugged him close to my chest, wishing I could just wake up.

Neil would be there in the morning when I woke up. He would hold me and whisper reassurances to me as I recount this terrible nightmare. Using a tissue, he'd wipe my pointless tears away and we'd go down and get some breakfast with the others.

Charlie and the others must have heard me wailing in my sleep because they woke me up with a gentle shake. They all had tear-stained cheeks- I must have been hallucinating. Why on earth would they be crying?

"Neil's gone. I'm so sorry Y/N" Charlie said quietly. No. I couldn't be hearing this. It was all just a dream, surely.

"No. You're all wrong. He's still alive. He can't be dead. I don't believe you" sobs rocked my body and a wave of nausea overcame me. All the boys gathered around me and hugged me. How could I ever be happy in a world where Neil Perry no longer existed?

Todd couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the room in just his pyjamas and overcoat. I followed quickly behind him. The walls of my room were caving in and all the oxygen had been sucked out. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear.

Inside, I just felt empty. Pain echoed around the hollowness and sharp sobs knocked me to the snowy ground. Todd made it a few metres further before also collapsing.

Why did you do this Neil? I could've helped you. We could've got through it together.

A mixture of emotions boiled up deep within the emptiness, threatening to spill out like a torrent of lava from a volcano. I was screaming and sobbing, furious but also relieved that Neil clearly wasn't in pain anymore. There had to have been something making him feel like the only option for him was to die.

"Charlie, I could've helped him. I should've seen the signs. I should've made him want to be alive" I cried into his shoulder.

"There was nothing you could've done Y/N. It was Neil's choice and nothing will ever change that. He loved you so much" Charlie and I just sat in the snow and hugged for a while. It was comforting but the tears just kept pouring from my red, puffy eyes.

All the days since Neil's death merged into one. The ceremonies, the funeral, the assemblies and I could swear I saw him everyday. Sometimes he'd be sitting in his seat in Latin reading ahead for the class or I'd walk into my room and he'd be sitting on the edge of the bed smiling at me.

Oh god, how I miss that smile...