Lost in the Shadows

40

Wes stitched my wounds up before he made me change in his cotton t shirt. I sat Indian style on his bed as he laid on his side rubbing his hands on my leg. His finger tips brought me comfort and forget about the throbbing pain in my thigh and black.

"You don't have to hide your emotions from me, you can let it all out," Wes assured me as he watched me restrain my tears and emotions. He sat up next to me and slowly reached his hand on my shoulder as I caved in and buried my face into his chest and soaked his shirt with my tears.

He didn't say anything, he just held me and that's all I needed. There were no words that could sooth me Wes knew that, he knew all I needed was him beside me.

He held me throughout the entire night and it wasn't until the morning when sleep finally took over his body. I stared at the ceiling as I listened to his soft calm snores, I felt so lucky for him to be beside me. Just a few hours ago I thought that I would have to leave him forever, and now he's lying next to me.

As I laid next to him, I couldn't help but feel safe and content, yet I still felt this unbearable guilt. I groaned while wiping the remaining tears from my face, then I grabbed a blanket from off his chair and made my way out of the room. I sneakily walked into the kitchen and grabbed the not so secret bourbon.

I took a huge gulp before walking outside and sitting on the bench swing out in the porch. The blanket hardly warmed me up as I felt the cold air attacking my exposed body. I brought my legs up to sit Indian style as I waited for the sun to come up. The darkness was still evident, but I could feel the dew in the air which was evidence that the sun will soon rise.

I chugged the brown liquor as the pain continued to fight its way back up, the bourbon helped repress the events that took place a few hours ago. I didn't want to think about how my father almost had me murdered just so that I could prove my potential to him, or how my dad threatened to kill the boy I love and the woman who gave birth to me and will always be in my corner. I didn't want to think about how he made someone beat my mother up, and I didn't want to think about how he wanted me to become a monster. I wondered if killing a monster makes me a monster. I groaned as I chugged the alcohol again. I didn't want to think anymore.

With every gulp I started feeling less and less present in my own body. The burning bourbon also made me warmer, or I became more numb to the cold.

As I watched the sun poke it's head from behind the neighboring house, I wondered if I would be considered an alcoholic, I drink pretty often now, but as I thought about it more, I felt like I had the right. I murdered my father yesterday, if I want to drown my sorrows, then I can.

I took one last sip before finishing the bottle, but it was half empty when I stole it, so it wasn't all me. I figured that if I chugged a whole bottle of bourbon, I probably wouldn't wake up, so I cut myself off from grabbing another.

"What are you doing," Wes startled me as he shut the front door. "Are you drinking," he asked shocked as he ripped the empty bottle from my hands. As I looked at him I noticed how exhausted he looked, his eye lids seemed lowered, and the bags on under his eyes made him look older than what he was. "Danielle, it's six in the morning," at first he sounded disappointed and judgmental, but his tone quickly changed to pity and sympathy.

I laughed due to the buzzing feeling in my head, "It's not morning if you don't sleep."

He sighed as he sat next to me on the bench, we slowly swung back and forth as the wind cut through the chains. "You shouldn't drink that much, it's only going to make things worse," he wisely told me as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to rest my head on his firm shoulder.

"I feel good now," I slurred as I closed my eyes feeling my eyes getting heavy.

"I know baby," he cooed rubbing my shivering arms.

"He called me a monster before I shot him," I confessed causing him to turn his head towards me to assure that I have his attention. "I think he's right. Only a monster would kill their own dad."

"You're far from a monster. From what it looks like, it was either you or him," he said referring to my bruises and wounds.

"He wasn't going to kill me."

"How do you know that?" He asked confusingly.

"He wanted me to take over his gang for him after he died. He had cancer and wanted to make sure that his 'legacy' ran in the family. He even became allies with Paul because he wanted Paul to get word out that if they kidnap me they could take down my dad. My dad wanted to put me through all of these tests so that I could prove my strength and potential to him. He's the reason why people wanted to kill me. I said no to the gang at first, but then he shot Paul right in front of me and he said if I didn't he would kill you and my mom. He had eyes on you and sent a person to beat up my mom, he showed me pictures, you should have seen how horrified she looked. I then said yes to taking his place and that's why I left home and went over there, he wanted to get started right away. But while we were talking he kept saying how I was exactly like him, and he knew everything I was feeling, he talked about himself as if it were my own life. He said I was meant for this and that freaked me out so bad. Then, he tries to kill Stephen and I pushed him off and that caused Mark to beat me. I didn't know what else to do so I kicked him and then shot him with a gun I stole from you. I then took his lighter and burned the house down. But the thing that sticks with me the most is that he last words to me were 'I may be evil, but only a monster would kill blood'. And I feel like a monster. I feel like him," I tried my best explaining, but couldn't even remember how I started the rant and only hoped that he could somehow decode my drunk confession.

He turned to my and grabbed both sides of my face as he stared deeply into my sad sorrowful soul, "You are the most amazing person I know. You're strength is something that I've never seen before, you're kindness makes everyone feel comfortable and loved, your determination makes everyone want to follow you, and you're personality and everything about you light up a room, with just one look at you everyone instantly becomes happy. You're anything, but a monster. Monster isn't even in the dictionary when it comes to you. Believe me when I tell you this, you did what you had to do, and everyone will be so thankful for what you did. I know you don't want to hear this, but you defeated the cruelest man alive, he's murdered thousands of people, he's made everyone's life awful, and he wanted to steal the good in the world away. You're a hero, and I love you so so much," he spilled rubbing his thumb on my tear stained cheeks.

"I wish I could believe that," I spoke softly.

I finally rested my eyes as I couldn't fight the sleep any longer, and eventually fell asleep on his shoulder which lead him to carrying me back to bed.