Love Always, Ella

Chapter Six

Ella

July 7th, 2018

Christian,

Do you remember when I wanted to surprise you and drove to your house to see you? We hadn't hung out in a while, and I didn't think that I needed to call. I didn't realize that your friends were over that night. I wish I had. My car was parked in your driveway and I texted you, only for you to tell me that it wasn't a good time. I should just go home.

I don't know if you remember, but moments after I got to your house there was a torrential downpour that night. I didn't feel safe driving home, so I backed out of the driveway and parked on the curb until it let up so that I could drive back. I kept telling myself that it was a guy's night. I didn't know you were having friends over, so it was my fault that I showed up unexpectedly.

But when you came out of your front door with another girl, I began to question everything. It wasn't just you and her. Your friends were there too. So, did you kiss her too? Did you tell her you loved her too? You knew I was parked in front of your house because you looked directly at me. You saw me waiting for the rain to stop, but you didn't come to explain anything to me. You didn't let me meet your friends like she got to. Instead, you walked directly to your car and opened the door up for her, got in yourself, and then drove to take her home.

After I found out later on that yes, there was someone else aside from me, I began to ask myself why wasn't I good enough to meet your friends? Why wasn't I good enough to be let inside? Why wasn't it me that you drove home that night? Why did you want her there instead of me? Why was I not worth an explanation? Why did you choose someone else? Why did you never make me your girlfriend? Why was I not worthy enough to be shown off?

Why?

~

I haven't spoken to Patrick since our phone conversation, and some part of me is thankful for that. I don't want to see him after I let myself talk about the things I've never talked about with anyone. I mentally curse him for that because how dare he just waltz into my life and get me to open up so easily to him? How dare he think he can see right through me? The worst part about all of this is that I know that he can. He can see right through me. No matter how much I try to deny it, his breathing that I woke up to on the phone the next morning knew differently. He must have known I didn't want to get off the phone with him, or that he was the only damn thing circulating throughout my brain for the past week. Maybe that's why he hasn't called me.

My emotions are ones that I don't speak about. I normally keep them hidden inside, but that night when I called him, despite every nervous feeling in my body telling me not to, I felt myself with him. Not the shy and nervous Ella, but the somewhat confident and funny one. He witnessed the little amount of confidence I have left, but I swear it all vanished when I walked into work to see him at the shack seated at the bar once again. I almost want to know how long he's been here for. A part of me thinks that maybe he came here because I wasn't, but when he has that damn smile on his face when he sees me I just know that's not the truth. The truth is that he came here to see me, I just don't want to believe it.

My heart is telling me to talk to him, but my mind tells me to ignore him. My mind is just looking out for me like it always has, and it's better to go on the safe side rather than to get my heart broken by someone who can't possibly be interested in me. Following my brain, I walk directly past him only to feel his fingertips grasp my wrist. Even the smallest amount of contact with him makes me lose every ounce of oxygen left in my body at this exact moment.