How Not to Vampire - Season 1

19. The Nemesis and the Lady

Pro-tip for Vampires #22: If you don't have the rulebook, you don't know which rules you can break.

When I came to, my head screaming as if icepicks were being repeatedly stabbed into the top of my skull, pressure pushing against my temples in a way that indicated my head was about to explode, the air reeked of rubbing alcohol, bad news, and despair. I didn't want to open my eyes, but the pain gave me no choice in the matter, because pain takes no prisoners and I was its bitch. My eyes popped open and proved my worst fears to be true as the light sent sharp spears of pain into my eyeballs, but at least that allowed me to see that I was laying on a bed in the Emergency Room. Sure enough, there was Dr. Mendelssohn sitting at the side of the bed tapping on an iPad in her lap, apparently not at all concerned with her patient, namely, me. I was about to inform the doctor of this obvious lapse in her duty, when a horrible thought bounced into my aching skull and tossed my self-pity into the gutter where it belonged.

Jaime.

Jaime was dating the lead henchmen for an evil vampire syndicate.

What if Sebastien planned to drain Jaime on his first day as a vampire? Or sell her to a weird vampire cult as a "donor?" There must be weird vampire cults. Right?

"I have to warn Jaime about Sebastien," I said, or at least tried to say. My jaw audibly clicked into place, and I almost mangled my tongue. "Oh fuck me!" I sputtered, hands going to my mouth. How much more pain was in store for me anyway?

"I'd slow down if I were you," Dr. Mendelsohnn said, eyes glued to her iPad as if she was watching porn. Doctor porn. "Beatrice punched you pretty hard. Broke your jaw in three places. Since she's the one who brought you here, I'm going to guess that she may have a soft spot for you. Or she wants to get you healed up so she can do it again. You never know with Beatrice."

"Why does it hurt so much?" I groaned, trying to focus through the pounding in my head. There was rising pressure, almost unbearable, causing me to gasp, which in turn caused my jaw to click again-- and then, just like that, the pain was gone. Poof. It was as if someone had flipped a switch. "Woah."

Dr. Mendlesohnn rolled her chair over to my side with a practised move and began to examine me, starting with my eyes and holding me firm with a glare when I flinched.

"Oh, that's just from getting punched. Not quite like it is in the movies, you know. If you get hit hard enough to get knocked out, it's more likely than not that you've suffered a mild concussion. Get knocked out enough times, and you can end up in a vegetative state. The brain doesn't like being jerked around you know. Just be glad that you're a vampire, and you actually heal from such injuries, so you get to indulge a little. Yay." Dr. Mendelsohnn paused. "Pro-tip, since you're new to all of this: don't go around punching humans. You could literally kill someone."

I flashed on the terror on Sebastien's face as I had lunged at him and shifted uncomfortably. That douchebag was still human, and I had almost killed him, and for what? For dating Jaime? That was a douchebag move if ever there was one, even if the motherfucker deserved it.

Remember that whole thing about me not remembering that Sebastien had murdered me? Yeah, it was back again to fuck with me once again. While I didn't actively remember it, some part of me did and it was trying to tell me in the only way it could. My instincts were trying to take over and offer clues. For me, it was a flash of blood... and Sebastien looking down on me... and this undefinable rage. It was the same rage that I had felt when I had lunged at him in Harry's office. Every instinct I had was screaming at me to murder Sebastien, screaming that he was dangerous. What the actual fuck?

I shook it off, not liking these dark thoughts.

"Good to know. About the punching thing," I said. "How long was I out for?"