crushed - remus lupin

-nineteen-

"What do I have left to lose?"

Those seven words shouldn't have been as influential as they were. Those words shouldn't have been the ones that could make or break the future. But they were.

Celeste regretted those words almost as soon as they left the tip of her tongue. For, in the hallway outside of the Hospital Wing, her question was answered for her.

Everything. She could lose everything.

This answer came to her as she saw Remus' tongue down Veronica's throat.

It came to her as she watched Veronica run her hands through his hair, something Celeste had always wanted to do but never could.

It was made clear to her as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

It was clear as day as their fingers intertwined.

Celeste could never compare to this.

She couldn't even get close, so why try?

Celeste had to avert her gaze, for fear that the hot tears that were blurring her vision would fall.

She let her feet take her wherever they wanted to go, not caring what she might run into. When she came to her senses, Celeste found herself sitting on the floor of the courtyard's stone hallway. The cold from the pillar she was resting on was seeping through her shirt, leaving her shivering. The rain fell, droplet by droplet, as if the clouds seemed to imitate her feelings.

Like a really cheesy book, Celeste thought.

The hall where she was sat was currently vacant, and Celeste hoped it stayed that way.

Clearly the universe was not on her side.

"Celeste? Have you seen Veronica?" Remus' eyes were clouded with a foreign emotion, and it didn't sit quite right with Celeste. It didn't feel like Remus.

She was planning on ignoring him and heading back to her dorm to cry for three days straight, but her big mouth did what it always does.

Get her into situations she didn't know how to get out of.

"Do you just not get it?"

Remus said nothing.

"Have you been so clueless that you don't notice how much this hurts me?"

Again, nothing.

"How could you not notice? I give up on hiding it, Remus. You can hate me as much as you want, I don't care."

Remus looked puzzled. "I'm confused."

Celeste took a deep breath before letting everything loose.

"I'm in love with you, Remus. I've been in love with you since I met you on the first day of first year. Remember? When I told you that you were beautiful and you looked so shocked, like you couldn't believe it?

I've been in love with you since you learned how to french braid the muggle way just so you could braid them for me in second year.

I've been in love with you since third year when you made me that knit hat when I said I hated my ears being cold.

I've been in love with you since we made that stupid bet in fourth year and you bet your entire chocolate stash on it. But when I lost, you handed me five chocolate bars anyway, because that's who you are.

I've been in love with you since you comforted me after one of your bad transformations in fifth year, instead of taking care of yourself even though you were the hurt one.