Closure

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How do you properly end a long chapter of your life?

Seulgi pondered so much about the answer for more than a year but she never really came up with a good one. Heck, forget about the answer. Her heart felt like it was getting poked with several needles at the same time just by thinking of that horrible question.

She wanted to reject the question with every bit of her. She didn't want to acknowledge it. Because doing so would mean she's also opening up to the idea of ending things with JB. And she was scared of that. It was the one possibility that she dreaded the most.

Sa takot nga niya ay iniwasan niyang makipagkita kay JB kahit na ilang beses siya nitong kinulit sa loob ng isang buwan. Hindi naman siya masyadong tanga para hindi maintindihan ang gusto niya. Mas lalo namang hindi siya masokista para pagbigyan yun.

What? It's not like she's that stupid to hurt herself more by saying yes to the closure.

Depensa niya ay maganda naman si Irene. Sikat, mayaman, sobrang ganda ulit. Men would flock to her and bend on one knee just for a chance with her. Eh siya? Ano bang mayroon siya maliban sa sobrang sensitive niya?

She knows she's not entirely lacking in the face department but when you put her next to JB's current fling and her circle of models and influencers, she wouldn't even stand a chance. With her usual baggy jeans and oversized shirt, she doubt many would actually go for her. Idagdag pa na masyado siyang paranoid lalo na kapag pagod at ang bilis din niyang magdesisyon kapag galit.

Those were the pettiest things she thought of just to defend her stinking selfishness. Pero kung gusto talaga ng totoong rason ay simple lang ang isasagot niya.

Mahal niya pa at ayaw niya pang pakawalan. Masama ba yun?

Masama bang umasang baka hindi naman talaga gusto ni JB yung babaeng yun? Masama bang hilingin na sana maalala niya yung naramdaman niya para kay Seulgi nung sila pa? Masama bang isipin na baka, all this time, sila pa rin talaga para sa isa't-isa?

Afterall, they were together for four years. Four fucking years. And it's not like they broke up because they didn't love each other anymore. They broke up because they got tired.

Ah right. Seulgi chuckled bitterly. Ako nga pala ang dahilan kung bakit siya napagod.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I had to stay late in the studio because the photoshoot took longer than usual? Tinext nga kita kanina as soon as I found out that we had to extend! Saan nanaman ba nanggagaling yang mga sinasabi mo?"

That was the first time she heard JB raise his voice on her. They have had the same converstion multiple times before, more frequent now that JB actually got the chance to work for a luxury magazine, but it was the first time that he snapped.

He was so patient back in the days. Palagi niyang sinisigurong malambing siya sa girlfriend niya. But what made things different this time?

"You freaking liar," she would insist, tears clouding her vision a little. "Ang sabihin mo masyado kang natuwa sa mga babaeng katrabaho mo. It's such a fresh sight, ano? Pretty girls in heels, skirts, and makeup unlike your girlfriend who looks like a fucking mess!"

It was insecurity that made her irrational.

God knows she wanted to dress up so bad, too. JB is a fine man kaya gusto rin naman niya na mag-ayos. But could she find the time to do that when she can barely handle her work well?

She was no prodigy. Hindi siya matalino. Hindi rin siya magaling sa kahit ano. Painting was the only thing she was good at. Well, she thought she was until she realized she was a so-so compared to people like her.

In the real world, there are countless of artists who could paint better than her. She knows that and she couldn't take it well. It scratched her confidence so much her artworks were becoming uglier each day.

Adulting made her feel like shit. But having JB with her gave her the courage to move on with her life.

He always made things better. He was always so good to her. Treated her well and lovingly that she never thought a day would come when he would actually shout at her in both frustration and annoyance.

So what changed?

"Kailan ko ba ipinaramdam sayo na may pakealam ako sa panunuot mo, Seulgi?"

Now that she remembers it so vividly, she could clearly tell the tone in his voice and the emotion in his eyes.

Exhaustion.

He was tired from work. He was tired of the repetitive fights. He was tired of the toxic pattern.

He was tired of her.

"Ngayon lang!" She responded immediately.

"God!" Was his quick answer. Napahilamos siya sa inis. "Nagtratrabaho ako, Seulgi! For fuck's sake, ano bang hindi mo maintindihan doon? I'm so fucking tired of hearing this nonsense every single time I come home! Cut me some goddamn slack!"

Those toxic fights urged JB to come home less frequently. Magtetext nalang na hindi uuwi, sa studio or kay Jinyoung matutulog.

Seulgi saw it coming. That's why when she felt like JB was about to ask for a break, she beat him to it.

It was a decision full of regrets. And it broke her heart into pieces when JB quickly agreed with a weak nod.

She cried silently as JB cupped her face, letting go of his bags on the floor of their condo unit.

"Seul, mahal kita," he said as he looked at her in the eye. "But we need this. We badly need this. We're hurting each other."

She nodded, "I love you."

"I know," he nodded and kissed her forehead. "One year. Okay? Let's heal separately and silently for a year. Sa loob ng isang taon, kapag pwede pa, babalikan kita. Mmm? We will come back to each other, okay?"

"Okay. I promise."

"I promise."

A promise that later on she found out that it was only her who kept it.

Im Jaebeom:
Hi, Seulgi. I'm here now.
I'll order for us in advance.

His message says.

Hindi naman na kailangan. Alam niyang nasa loob na si JB.

She knows because she arrived first. Halos 30 minutes ata siyang hindi mapakali sa harap ng pinto ng resto. Nagtago lang siya nang makita ang pamilyar na kotse ni JB na dumating.

She glanced at the man she loves with an aching heart through the clear window wall of the establishment as he fumbles on his phone.

Who could he be texting? Irene? That used to be her. How she wished it was still her.

Wala pa man ay naiiyak na siya. Napakahina.

She wiped the forming tears using the back of her hands and took a deep breath. She fixed her cap while constantly mouthing we'll be okay repeatedly to herself.

With her heavy heart, pained with the memory of the breakup that both broke her down and molded her to become a better painter, she courageously stepped inside--holding eye contact with the man she will soon be giving up for someone else.