Phanfiction - AmazingPhil and Danisnotonfire

Chapter Six - Dan

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. [If you want to know more about potential triggers before reading on, don't hesitate to send me a message and I'll respond as soon as possible]
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Dan smiled at Phil and hooked his thumbs into Phil's jeans, his body begging for every inch of Phil to be inside of him. He was breathless, his fingers fumbling as he tried hurriedly to remove Phil's suit pants.

"Fuck. Why do these have to be so tight?" Dan moaned, refering to the trousers. Phil struggled to shimmy out of them, his shoulders shaking as he laughed. 

"Oh my god, Phil, I love you." Dan said endearingly, reaching out to give Phil a hand. Phil stopped. 

"What." It was a statement, not a question. Dan said nothing. Phil sat up abruptly, banging his head on the closet shelf in his haste. He quickly did up the zip and pulled on his shoes whilst Dan sat there unmoving.

"What did I do wrong?" Dan asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"Nothing. This was just a mistake...just a laugh." Phil snapped. He got to his feet and twisted the lock so the door swung open, not giving Dan time to make himself presentable. It seemed that he wanted to get out of Dan's company as quick as was humanly possible. He doubled back at the last moment, swinging round so he was face to face with Dan. Both boys were breathing heavily and Dan appeared dishevelled, his hair messy and clothes crumpled. 

"Dan, it didn't mean anything to me." Phil lied, turning away so Dan couldn't see the tears forming in his eyes. "I'm not gay." He said softly, as much to convince himself as it was to convince Dan. Dan remained silent, holding onto the door handle for support. Phil left without another word.

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Dan choked back tears and threw a small wooden box onto the bed where it bounced up and down a few times before nestling into the soft blanket. He regarded the box as if it were a lion that could pounce any moment now. He ran his thumb over the hem of his cardigan. 

"I'm over all this," He reminded himself, taking a determined step away from the box.

"I don't do this any more. I don't hurt myself in this way." He said, speaking loudly even though there was no one there to hear. That also meant there was no one there to stop him. One little cut wouldn't be all that bad. Right? Dan caressed the lid of the box and slowly eased it open. Inside, hidden under layers of paper covered with meaningless words, were Dan's tools. He sat back on his haunches and lifted a razor from the box. He quickly removed the blade with the ease of someone that had been doing it for years. His hand shook as he pulled off his cardigan. Dan hated himself, hated the way he was never good enough. He wasn't enough for Phil. Phil didn't want him. No one did. Uncontrollable sobs racked Dan's slender frame as he dragged the blade down his wrist and supressed the urge to scream. He wanted to punch anything and everything, to throw himself at the wall and hit himself until the internal pain subsided. He wanted to slice into his flesh and finally release all the rage and hatred that festered inside of him. 

"I hate myself." Dan spat bitterly. Tears dropped onto his hands and down his arms, migling with the blood that flowed readily from his wrists. He craved the pain; always wondering how deep he could cut before it was too deep. He huddled into the corner of his room, attacking his already massacred wrist with the blade, again and again, over and over. Old scars from old cuts opened up and began to ooze blood. Why was he so fucking worthless? Why was he so disgusting? Why did he love a boy? That wasn't natural. It was fucked up. Dan threw insults at himself, throwing the blade aside and scratching at his flesh, wincing as his nails tore into the skin. It was a struggle to breathe but Dan hardly noticed. Every part of him was focused on making himself suffer for loving Phil. Blood pooled on the carpet and Dan knew that later he'd regret this. He'd regret not being more careful. Phil could be home any minute yet Dan couldn't stop, not until he was too weak to move, not until he had no tears remaining inside of him. Not until he had punished himself enough to regret what had happened between him and Phil.