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Principle 1 : Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Principle Overview:
World famous psychologist B.F. Skinner proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much faster and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.
Since then, further studies have shown that this same principle applies to humans as well: Criticizing others doesn't yield anything positive.
We aren't able to make real changes by criticizing people, and we're instead often met with resentment. It's important to remember that when dealing with people, we're dealing not with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, who are motivated by pride and ego.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves.
DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 1:
Do you know someone you would like to change in some way? When you find yourself getting caught up in other people's annoying habits or behaviors, think of a few reasons they might be acting the way they are.
Say to yourself, "I should forgive them for this because ..." and conclude this sentence with an open mind. You'll be in a much better position to hold back from criticizing.
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Principle 2 : Give honest and sincere appreciation
P
rinciple Overview:
The only way we can get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want. What do most people want?
Health, food, sleep, money, sex. Most of these wants are usually gratified, but there is one longing, almost as deep and ingrained as the desire for food or sleep, that is seldom gratified: the desire to be important.
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
WILLIAM JAMES
We tend to take the people in our lives for granted so often that we neglect to let them know that we appreciate them. We must be careful to keep in mind the difference between appreciation and flattery, which seldom works with discerning people, as it is shallow, selfish and insincere.
Flattery comes from the tongue; appreciation comes from the heart.
Day in and day out, we spend most of our time thinking about ourselves. But if we stop thinking about ourselves for a bit and start thinking about other people's strengths, we wouldn't have to resort to cheap flattery and we could offer honest, sincere appreciation.
With words of true appreciation, we have the power to completely change another person's perception of themselves, improve their motivation, and be a driving force behind their success. When you think about it like that - when we have nothing to lose and only positive outcomes to gain - why wouldn't we offer genuine appreciation more often?
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Principle 3 : Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Principle Overview:
Perhaps your favorite dessert is strawberry cheesecake. Excellent choice! Now, if you were to go fishing, would you bait your hook with cheesecake? Of course not -- that's what you like, but fish prefer worms.
Lloyd George, Great Britain's Prime Minister during World War I, who stayed in power long after the other wartime leaders had been forgotten, was asked how he managed to remain on top. His response: He had learned that it is necessary to "bait the hook to suit the fish."
In other words, give people what they want, not what you want.
"Of course, you are interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want."
DALE CARNEGIE
This principle is absolutely key in influencing others.
To convince someone to do something, we have to frame it in terms of what motivates them. And in order to do that, we have to be able to see things from their point of view as well as our own.
Most salespeople spend a lifetime selling without seeing things from the customer's angle, wondering why they're not successful as they completely ignore the customer's needs.
If we can put aside our own thoughts, opinions, and wants, and truly see things from another person's perspective, we will be able to convince them that it is in their best interest to do whatever it is we're after.
"The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition."
DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 3:
Next time you want to persuade someone to do something, before you speak, pause and ask yourself, "How can I make this person want to do it? How can I frame this in terms of her wants?"
When you're writing an email that contains a request, try replacing "I" and "my" with "you" and "your" as much as possible. Craft your language to make it about them.
