How To Win People To Your Way of Thinking
PART THREE
PRINCIPLE 1 : THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE BEST OF AN ARGUMENT IS TO AVOID IT.
We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?
Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.
According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.
"There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it."
DALE CARNEGIE
PRINCIPLE 2 : SHOW RESPECT TO THE OTHER PERSON'S OPINION. NEVER SAY ,"YOU'RE WRONG."
Instead of starting with “You’re wrong,” what if we were to say, “Well now, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. If I am wrong, I want to know why. Let’s examine the facts.”
The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude. It also (hopefully) inspires our opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as we are.
In fact, it’s really not the ideas themselves that are so important to us, but our self-esteem, which is threatened when we are told that we’re wrong. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities.
Practice Principle 2:
Next time you find yourself becoming frustrated or disagreeing with another person’s perspective, stop yourself from shaking your head, and adjust how you phrase your opinion:
“No, you’re wrong.”
✓ “Why do you see it that way?”
“No, that’s the wrong way to tackle.”
✓ “Why do you think that’s the best option to pursue?”
You might even ask the other person for permission to share your perspective on the matter, which readies the other person to listen to your ideas in a less critical mindset.
PRINCIPLE 3 : IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT QUICKLY AND EMPATHETICLY
Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a police officer who scolded him, as this was against the law. The next few times Carnegie took his dog out, he kept him on a leash, but the dog didn’t like it. So the next time, Carnegie let the dog run free. When he ran into that same police officer, he knew he would be in trouble.
Instead of waiting for the police officer to start reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officer had caught him red-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officer had already warned him. The policeman responded in a soft tone, told Carnegie he was overreacting, and that he should take his dog to the other side of the hill where he wouldn’t see him.
