{11} State of shock

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No energy. Whatsoever. I know we weren't exactly a "thing" but it still hurt. We were slowly becoming something. I put my trust in him, but he couldn't do the same. And now I no longer have a friend or a classmate. That's what truly hurt me. 

How could I have been so stupid to ruin something perfectly good? Why could I not have just ignored it and kept on with my day? How could I have been so reckless? Every time I try to have a normal life, I ruin it. I reck everything. I Completely come into something and rip it apart. I hate this. I hate my existence. I hate myself.

I hate myself even more as I walk into the one place I dreaded being. School. I put no effort into myself this morning. I wore a hoodie that was on my bathroom floor and jeans that were under my bed. Hair in a messy ponytail, strands all over the place that I kept pushing behind my ear. No makeup,  my eye bags from restless nights filled with tears exposed. 

 I no longer had something to look forward to. No walking in the hallways with my friend. No heartwarming talks. No Xavier. 

"Sup D," Emma's voice breaks my thoughts. She walks up to me standing at our lockers. "Hey." I respond turning around to face her. When I come face to face with her she stares at me in confusion. "Are you ok D?" She asks studying me. I was good at hiding my feelings from Emma, but not my body language. Right now is a great example of that. Given the way that I looked like I had been hit by a bus.

"Yeah, why?" She swallows and nods at me. "I don't mean to be rude D, but you look awful." She says cringing at my attire and condition. "Im fine. Just had a late shift last night." I tell her quickly coming up with an excuse. "Where's Xavier." She says opening her locker. "What do I care," I come off annoyed and Emma peeks over her locker door giving me a look. Confusion and concern fused in one. 

"Um... ok." She drops it, thankfully. Davina, you're being a bitch to her. "Sorry, that came off rude. Im just tired." I sigh apologizing. I didn't want her to find out about what happened. She didn't know what was going on between us, to begin with. And I prefer it to stay that way. Nothing to tell now anyway. It was no longer happening and didn't need to be spoken about.

"Guess whos back bitches." Jackson says walking up to us. "Jackson!" Emma quickly runs to Jackson and hugs him. Jackson had gone out of town for the weekend and had gotten his phone taken away from being stupid. "You look like shit," Jackson says letting go of Emma and looking at me. "Thanks," I nod giving him a tight smile. "Sorry. Love you." He walks over to me and hugs me. 

"Hey, guys." Oh god here comes the worst part. "Hey," Emma greets shutting her locker and looking at the famous sibling group. I stay looking in my locker and messing with stuff to seem occupied. Ignore their presence at all costs. "Freya how are you," Emma asks. "Im better, thanks. Sorry I had to miss dinner." She replies. "Oh... don't worry you didn't miss anything." That sounded so fake Emma. You could tell she was lying. "Right D." Fuck you Emma now I have to actually interact. 

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