EMBRACE winrina

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Karina POV

I despised not being in control of my emotions, which had made the past couple of years dreadful for me. I was unhappy, and I truly wanted that to change but I just couldn't force myself to do anything to make that change happen.

For a split second while Winter was kissing me, I thought I felt the same happiness that always seemed to escape me. It was different than the night she had stumbled back to my apartment drunk, because she didn't know what she was doing then and she still didn't even know that that had happened. But yesterday night, she knew exactly what she was doing. She kissed me, and now whether it was intentional on her part or not, it was driving me insane.

I wasn't even sure if there were names for all of the emotions that I was feeling. After that momentary happiness, I felt regretful, because I had just kissed my student again. I felt angry because I hated how easily Winter was able to do this to me, and she didn't even realize it. I felt disappointed, because I knew that even though she had kissed me, nothing was different. Honestly, we both still had major problems, she was still my seventeen year old student, and there were still way too many other things that I needed to be focused on.

And then there was that small, almost non-existent sliver of hope, even though I had no idea what I was supposed to be hopeful for.

I poured my coffee into a mug and sat down at the island in my kitchen, shifting slightly to see Winter sleeping on the couch, and though I truly wished I could say peacefully, I couldn't. Even with the distance between us, I could just make out the sweat on her forehead and I was faintly aware of the fact that her body was shaking.

The sight made me almost hate myself for even having the audacity to be mad at her, because even though I didn't know exactly what she was going through, I could imagine. I knew she had dealt with so much more than any teenager should have to, and I guessed that she was lonely. She had convinced herself that she couldn't form meaningful relationships with people, but I imagined that I might have falsely diminished a bit of that loneliness last night. Winter didn't want to be around me because of Leo, but I was forcing her to be, and I was truly afraid that she was filling the void in her life with me.

I couldn't fill that void.

I didn't know Winter well, but I honestly didn't think that anyone in her life did, which was one of the reasons this was so difficult for me. I knew she didn't really have anyone else, and even though I kind of wanted to be, I couldn't be the person that she could finally trust in. I just couldn't be that person, for more than one reason. I didn't want to be mad at her for kissing me, and I didn't want to blame her for breaking me down so easily.

But the truth was, I was mad at her because of the state that she had left me in.

She shifted on the couch, her breathing becoming heavier as I watched her flinch multiple times. I looked down, unable to watch her struggle with whatever it was that she struggled with when she went to sleep. I considered just waking her up, but before I could think anymore about it, she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, shaking. She wiped the sweat off of her forehead and tried to steady her breathing, looking absolutely exhausted.

And all I could fucking do was sit at the kitchen counter and watch.

After a few moments, she released herself and sunk against the couch, her eyes moving around the room until they met mine. She was broken right now, but I couldn't deny the need to distance myself. I had gotten too friendly with her, and I knew she needed someone, but it couldn't be me.

I adverted my eyes and stood up, entering my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I showered and after a while of sitting on my bed, trying not to think about her, I realized I actually did have to face her today because we needed to be at the school in twenty minutes.