𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

52

valentina

I wake up with tears steaming softly down my face. I had a bad night. My mind decided that I hadn't had enough yesterday and made me relive some of my worst memories.

It kept flicking between me being curled up in a ball crying into my knees in my dark cold room in the orphanage to me doing the same out on the darker and colder street.

Even though they were some of my worst memories, they aren't the reason for my tears, I'm used to them by now and they don't effect me as bad anymore.

I just feel wrong. Everything feels off.

I started to cry because I thought I was okay but I'm not. I thought that I finally got over whatever was wrong with me. But I didn't and so I cried.

It's okay to be upset about things and cry over them, I allow myself that. It's just when I start feeling like that for no reason at all. Even when I try and search my mind for a trigger, it's just my own chemical imbalance and I hate it.

I hate it so much.

And as I lay here, staring at the ceiling I can already start to feel myself closing up and it's just so frustrating. Because I want to be happy. All I want is to be happy and I'm not. And it just feels like I'm slipping further and further and further away from what I want to be and I don't know how to stop it. I just want it to stop.

The more I cry the worse I feel. I feel like an inconvenience, a burden and a waste of space. I feel as if I don't deserve to be here and that Matteo probably doesn't even like me. And if he doesn't even like me, how could he ever love me like I love him?

My thoughts spiral more and more out of control, I know they're not true but there's a voice at the back of my head that just won't go away. Not until I fully believe and convince myself that what it's saying is the truth. Even then it still lingers until I'm tangled in a web of lies that I can't get out of, adding more and more strings, more layers, more lies.

And I'm sat there, watching it all happen with my hands tied behind my back, watching as the best parts of me get stuck in the sticky strings.

I look over at Matteo who's still dead asleep through my teary eyes. Letting out a choppy sigh, I place my head in my hands and wipe my eyes.

I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I want to sit there and feel bad without anyone to make me feel better because I need to feel like this.

I glance at him one more time before slipping out of bed and quietly leaving his room. I cross the hall into mine and I throw myself onto the bed, flipping onto my back to stare at the ceiling.

My body feels heavy and I feel bad; sinking into the covers as if I'm trying to escape my own thoughts. I wish I could. I wish I was someone else. But I'm not, I'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.

Without realising it I've walked over to the window, opened it and swung my legs over to sit on the ledge. The breeze is cold and the stars are out again, dotted in the sea of black, shining a dim light.

One jump is all it would take. It would all be over. I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore, Matteo wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. He could find someone happier, someone with less baggage and that treats him better. Someone that gives more than they take and someone that isn't so sad. Someone that he deserves.

But he doesn't want anyone else does he?

For some reason he wants me. He cares about me. He likes me. He's always here for me. It would be a shitty of me to leave him. Plus I love him so it's a bit counterproductive if I go.

My eyes flutter shut and the weight of my thoughts hits me.

I need therapy don't I?

Like desperately.

Maybe even a fucking psych ward.

If I hadn't of caught myself I would've been out of that window in seconds right? I would've jumped.

My heart pounds in my chest almost loud enough to drown out my thoughts.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I don't want to be here but I don't want to die. I just want it all to stop.

An sob slips through my quivering lips and I just sit there in shock, my hands gripping the window ledge as tight as they can, turning my knuckles white. I'm frozen, unable to move in fear of what will happen if I do. In fear of what I'll do.

I'm a stranger in my own body, in my own mind. I'm stuck there while it belittles me and makes me hate everything about myself until there's nothing left to love. Until my scars aren't only on my skin but on my head and on my heart, effecting every decision or thought I've ever made and will ever make.

I want to get better though. I want to start fresh and I want to try harder to be happier. Not only for Matteo but for myself.

Because I deserve it.

I owe it to myself after all of these years of self hatred that I get some help. And I know I'm going to hate it and it's going to be so hard but it's what I need to do. I know the thoughts won't go away but I can learn to ignore them until by some miracle they do.

This means opening up to not only Matteo but probably other people too. The thought makes me want to cut my own tongue out but it's what I'll have to do to get better.

Because I don't want to die and there are other ways to get it all to stop.

I hop back into my room and take a deep breath.

My body is still shaking and my heart hasn't really slowed it's rapid beating as I walk back in the direction of Matteo's room.

I open his door and slip though, watching his sleeping figure clutch a pillow instead of my usual sleeping body. I snicker a little and climb back into bed, removing the pillow as I do so. He sleepily wrap his arms around me and kisses my forehead.

My finger traces pattern down his bare arm until I give in to the exhaustion and fall back asleep.

I'll talk to him in the morning.

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unedited

currently laying in bed sick hoping i get better before my comp this weekend :|

<3