03 | Dear Blaise, please forgive me

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❦ Blaise ❦

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Blaise

When people talked about falling in love, I never understood why someone would want such a tragedy to happen to them. Because in that tragic yet beyond meaningful sentence was just the falling of hopeless lovers.

Why would someone want to ever fall for something so painful? Why would anyone want to fall to begin with?

But the truth was it wasn't falling in love that hurt, it was losing the person you had fallen in love with. Because you both had fallen in the beginning, but only one was left to live through it in the end.

My father had fallen for my mother and my mother had fallen for my father. Yet when the time came to bleed, my father had bled like he never had before. It was his heart that was broken as he placed his lover six feet under the ground in the blanket of soft dirt that would get to hold her glazing blue eyes and tender soul. Those blue eyes that once looked into his and that soul that once belonged to him.

That is how I felt when I saw Octavio. Those green eyes of his held my entire world and yet I couldn't stop looking at the moon, knowing I would be safe far from him. Falling in love with him wasn't a tragedy. He was the tragedy himself. My tragedy.

Today, as he stood at my doorstep, I knew that this tragedy was inevitable. Living through those green eyes of his was inevitable. Bleeding for him at the end was inevitable. Because in the end falling in love with him was inevitable.

"I love you." He whispered with a bouquet of red roses in his hand and his heart printed on the fine letter in my hand.

Tears coated my cheeks and my hands shook as I closed my eyes, hoping he would disappear like the scent of his that I have been imagining for the past several months. But as those pairs of warm hands and the scruff of his unshaven face embraced me, I knew I wasn't imagining it. He was truly here.

"I love you." He whispered again, this time more gently as he held me tightly against his chest with his lips caressing the top of my head. My tears soaked into his wine-colored sweater while his letter crinkled into the tight grip of my fist.

"I wish that was true," I whispered back as I pulled away from his embrace and stepped back away from him.

His fist tightened around the stems of the bouquet as he went to step once again closer to me. My hands immediately went to my swollen belly as the movement of my baby broke the trance I always manage to slip into when I am around him.

His green eyes fell upon where my hands rested on my belly and as the baby kicked again, I couldn't help but gasp in shock from the immediate movement.
Before I could glance back up at him standing in the doorway, he was bent down right in front of me where our baby sought attention.

"She kicks." I listened to him whisper into my belly as I remained frozen in place.

He slowly pulled my hands away from my bump and placed his head on the spot where the baby was kicking. Listening carefully, he waited until the kick occurred again. And when it did happen again, he laughed wholeheartedly in awe as if it was the most fascinating thing he had experienced.

"She's strong." He said and I couldn't help but notice how he referred to the baby as she.

"Octavio," I whispered softly, immediately grabbing his attention.

"Why are you here?" I asked as I tried to pull away from him but his arms wrapped around me tightly, keeping me in place.

"I'm here for you." He said so gently that I would fall for him all over again.

"Why?" I asked as I reluctantly brought my fingers through his thick black curly hair.

"Because I love you, Blaise." He answered in a heartbeat and I caught myself wishing he would have said those words to me when I needed to hear them the most.

My hand raking through his thick inky curls stopped and I immediately pulled it away from the top of his head. But before I could step away from his hold on me, he brought my hand back into his hair and continued to busy himself with the movement of our baby.

"I know it's hard to love me." I flinched from his sudden words cutting through the thick fog of silence. I sighed and continued to rake my fingers through his hair, waiting for him to continue.

"I know it's hard to love me and it's unfair to someone who is so easy to love herself." I could already feel my tears blur my vision again as he paused to take a deep breathe himself. It was hard for him to open up and as I stood still I wished our souls knew how to spill secrets, maybe it would save us both some heartbreak.

"But the reason why I couldn't love you isn't because I didn't want to."

"It's because love is like a foreign language to me. No matter how hard I try to communicate it to the other person, it would always just be a huge mess of emotions. Ugly and pretty emotions all jumbled up into a tangled up mess."

"Yes I love you but not because you only bring out the pretty emotions in me. No, that's not why I love you."

"I love you because you love me with my ugly emotions."

"So yes I would fuck up a million or a billion times but that would never mean that I don't love you."

"Because I would die before I forget that I had fallen in love with Blaise Innocenio."

I pulled away from him as all his words weighed me down with emotions. Emotions in the form of tears and anger. Tears for the fact he couldn't say these words when I needed them and anger knowing one can only express such emotion when they are ready not on the account of someone else's.

"Please don't pull away from me."

"I need you to leave Octavio." I whispered as I averted my gaze from his, knowing my cheeks were now being smeared by my tears.

"I know you can't forgive me right now Blaise but-"

"Stop just stop." I cried.

"You have no right to ask for my forgiveness Octavio. No absolute right."

"You know why, because it is mine. This forgiveness you want belongs to me and the last time I gave you something of mine you tossed it to the side like it meant absolutely nothing to you."

"You fucken left me Octavio when I needed you to be there the most." I yelled as hot tears ran down my face.

As silence filled the room, I angrily wiped my face and walked away fron him into the kitchen. My hands shook violently from the shake of emotions as I leaned forward on the kitchen counter.

I heard his footsteps from behind as he walked right next to me. Placing the bouquet of red roses on the counter besides me he sighed.

"I'm sorry I'm fucked up." He whispered and with those words I heard his departing footsteps and the front door closed behind him.

"And yet I love you still," I whispered back as I hugged the red roses from him and cried hard.

_

I know I know that I absolutely suck. But I'm so busy with finals and all this end of the year stuff for school that I'm going crazy. But hey your girl made it to Track Championships in Las Vegas so that's exciting news! Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, don't want to eat your ear off.

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